I wouldn’t love me either

I watch the caress of the evening sun

warm and orange and endless

a sight for sore eyes, for those grieving and in love

for those in love but still dreaming

you’ve never been further away than you are now

I’m round the corner again

hiding behind my back gate

leaving it to fate

praying there’s a god

is there love somewhere in all your hate?

maybe I’m delusional again

It’s a blurred state that keeps me calm

chokes out the loneliness

gives me something to believe in

when god forgets to leave the latch on

cobwebs gather in the corner of the ceiling I stare hardest at

a reminder of how long I’ve been stuck here

there’s still photos of us on my laptop that make me sad

there’s still ways that we’ve touched and things you never meant that keep me mad

but hopeful

I wish I never see you again

or that if I ever do you never ever go anywhere else

I miss you more than I remember you

memories usher me to walk on your side of the road

their false hope holding my hand for a casual stroll

nothing dangerous about dipping your toes in

nothing certain about any given moment

the many and few we shared

haunt my every emotion

it’s been easier sleeping palm to palm with other men

giving my heart on rent

sometimes the price is high

others make your bare minimum profitable growth

I’d like to hope that you love her ten times better

that sweet girl I can be soon turns bitter

thinking she has everything I broke brain cells chasing

I don’t ever run the race

and you’ll never see me naked again

I don’t know if I fake it all the time

I probably don’t actually love you anymore

I hope that’s true

it would save me a spare thought

let’s dance around being strangers for the rest of our lives

We’ll ghost each other until we’re dead

practicing for our inevitable embodiment

deterioration, menopause, marriage, aging

I shan’t see you there

maybe you’ll feel me

when you find a strand of her blonde hair

do you remember screaming at me in the car?

You didn’t care how I felt

Just that it might change how I thought of you 

I wish someone had told me then