Pain

What hurts the most is losing myself  
Losing the person I used to be 
Not recognizing myself in the mirror 
It hurts knowing who I used to be
How I used to act and treat people and myself 
Before I lost myself to the world 
People praised me for my optimism complimented my smile and enjoyed my laughter and jokes 
Now the conversations are about my problems and how bad I’m doing 
I lie to the people I love most because the truth is too painful 
To real 
And if I do share something I feel like a burden 
a problem in doing so 
How could I let the world and my inner demon take control of me 
I used to be able to at least escape at night 
in my room but now it’s the worst time 
My mind keeps racing and keeps reminding me of everything I have to do and my past failures
I can’t do this anymore 
It is so fucking draining 
It also feels like I shouldn’t feel this way
I have no reason to
How could it have come this far 
What happened to me
It’s getting bad again maybe even worse because I’m lying and pretending like I’m fine but I’m not fine 
Every little thing sets me off the edge and I can’t let it go
I can’t let go 
But I want to in more ways than one 
I hate my body and more specifically what I do to it 
At least I took care of my physical health before 
I’ve given up on that too 
Lying about how healthy I am 
Because I am not 
I’m pretty sure I’m making myself sick because of it 
I have no idea who I am 
Hopefully not the end