Advice
I loved so fiercely and boldly, shown to none but known to me.
Every moment shared, was a cherished moment.
I would be whatever you needed me to be. Do what ever you needed me to do
but I wasn’t even a thought in your mind
I drove stoically with you beside and my heart a tremble
You questioned me about a girl who you thought liked you, it was a girl that I could never resemble.
the signals I put out never penetrated your heart.
they were only acknowledged when another took part.
The man I loved so tenderly in my heart a full,
Was now asking me if I had any information to pull.
Forced smiles were worn as to not make you weary, I wanted to scream
“ WHY ARE YOU BLIND TO ME”
but I couldn’t risk the consequences of a theory.
So I stay there smiling, winded, shattered and shaken
As I give you advice on how to follow your heart
To a love I was prepared for but I was greatly mistaken.
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Comments2
In accordance w the poems name I shall offer what once a wise poet shared with me. It’s risky cuz not all are open to contraire. It was the best thing ever to help my writing though there is a long way still to go. This forum lends to succinct phrase so please excuse the rougher edges.
Pronouns. It’s really important to prioritize their minimal use. Often, first drafts contain them and the process of rewriting them out of a piece challenges us to utilize varied phrasing and sentence structure and consequently improves our work and increases its interest. It’s not always easy but you may find it to be sort of a “map” to achieve.
Fourteen times “I” appeared. Probably better to cut that in half and maybe even down to like 4. I’m gonna try and roughly reform the last paragraph as example. Please know all this is in the spirit of that wise man who gifted me with a simple but effective plan. Thank you and my apologies if this is overstepped ?
Shaken, frozen in place, forcing a smile born of recurring fear. Tentatively offering advice
“Follow your heart” whilst ignoring how hollow those words sounded not profound , my winded voice steering concepts to his ears. Knowing, chances rare a newly wakened sheltered love appear
Realizing my dream prepared was still untaken
Wishing, I was not so Greatly Mistaken.
Cutting “I” s from four to one. In your own words I’m sure you would easily do better.
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