I am;

I stood in the shower fighting the urge to sit down.

So, I stood.

Running my chores on autopilot.

And my mind is on airplane mode.

Failing to construct a phrase with thousands of words running, jumping in puddles of grey matter.

I couldn’t form a phrase.

I couldn’t express.

How is it to be me, and no one else.

You never listen, you don’t understand.

All you hear is I am I am I am I am.

and you can’t understand.

That I am not.

Failed to pursue my objections.

To all your intentions.

And what grabs your attention.

I failed to consume from my feelings a frown.

As I fight the urge to sit down and let the water drain.

Drain as I unzipped my forearms.

Drain in fluids of forbidden wine.

A form of action that makes it hurts to feel good.

Impossible to smile.

Allergic to crying.

And I wouldn’t let my hope die.

Cause I am I am I am I am.

You just don’t understand.

How it hurts to have to pretend.
and I am not I am not I am not.

I am not the version of what they thought.

I could be loud I have opinions and I can be mean.

But it wasn’t because I was unseen.

It wasn’t the fact that I am empty of glee.

It wasn’t the fact that I could never be free.

It’s only that I am I am I am.

Unable to understand.

too unstable to pretend.

I am I am I am I am.

Spaced every now and then.

Away from aware of self.
I am I am I am I am.

What they fear to be blamed for.

What they are afraid of.
but from all these speculations.

And empty words of promise.
I am not and will never be.

Anything but honest.