I'm Fine

Do you remember

All those years ago

I went to your softball game,

You lost, and you cried.

On the way home,

Your mom tried to make you feel better,

Which didn't really work.

But I think it was the fact

That I was there,

That made you tough it up and quit crying.

I used to feel the same way.

But now that you’re gone,

That feeling is too,

Because now, 

When I cry,

I don’t have you there

For me to tough it up.

Instead, I scream,

Dying from the inside out.

But I can’t let that show,

Because everyone would laugh

They would say I was overdramatic

That I care too much

That I can’t let go

Even though I was the one to cut the rope

And sometimes I don’t regret it.

I have new friends now.

Friends that I am confident love me for me

And I love them too.

So much.

But sometimes I still think about it -

Who we would've been 

Would we be better than we were before?

I tell myself that I’m okay,

That if I just swim hard enough,

Fast enough,

I’ll make it to the surface,

That I’ll be able to breathe again, even without you.

But I know now that that will never happen.

This world is a constant nightmare.

Without you, I fear I will never wake again.

Without you, I fear I’m going to die any second.

Sometimes, when it gets bad,

When everything is crushing it’s every weight on me, 

If I were to die,

I feel I would embrace death like an old friend.

Like I would you.

Because you are my death.

But I know I can’t turn back.

People would call me envious,

Psycho,

Weak.

No matter how much I tell myself 

That I am not weak,

I know that without you,

I will always be weak.

But this loss

Is a loss of which I know

Will make me stronger.

When I go to bed at night,

The first thing I think about is you,

Those cheery laughs,

Those happy sleepovers,

The times we practiced softball in your massive back yard.

I think about how,

Even in the middle of my worst spike of depression,

When I couldn’t get off the couch,

Or brush my hair,

Or socialize,

You lifted me up.

You gave me a rope to cling to 

When I was falling off a cliff. 

Those days are gone now,

And no matter how much I love my new friends,

I am back in that dark spot

But this time,

I don’t know

If I will be able to swim fast enough.

But I'll be fine, right?

Right?