Losing Her

Losing her,

It felt like living hell.

At first I thought,

"Oh, this should

Be good for me".

But was it really?

Then I couldn't breathe.

I couldn't breathe without her.

I still can't.

I felt choked,

Restrained,

Empty.

 

It got worse

      And worse

             And worse.

It got so bad

That I slipped under

The mountain of sadness

And didn't resurface.

That's when I started cutting.

I cut

And cut

Every damn night.

I was

             Addicted.

 

Man, it feels like years ago,

But has it really only been one?

One year,

One fucking year,

Killed me.

Almost literally.

Shit was tough,

And there wasn't really

A way out.

Not until he came along.

       I almost forgot about you.

Almost.

But how could I forget

The birthday

       Of my first love?

How the fuck

Could I do that?

 

You really thought,

Didn't you,

That you would be relieved

To see me go?

Yeah, I thought that too.

Trust me,

I wish it could've been

Just like that.

But fuck!

I don't have a fucking

Manual for life.

I didn't expect that you,

My love of 

       Five 

Fucking

       Years

Would just

                 Disappear.

 

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry

You had to deal

With me and my shit.

Fuck,

I'm so sorry.

I shouldn't have clung on

Like that.

I shouldn't have

Kept my guard down

Like that.

But I should have

At least

Told you I was leaving.

I'm sorry.

 

I'm so sorry, Cheyenne.

I love you.

I love you,

Okay?

Because right now

I'm retreating back

Into the deep

Dark

Shell 

I have in place,

And I'm not going to lie,

But I could really use

One of your hugs right now.

 

And these

Past couple of months,

I've been having all these 

Flashbacks,

Specifically those of hugs,

But also all the hello's

And the unspoken goodbye.

Flashbacks of

The blinking

And all the laughter.

Flashbacks of

Behind bars

And sleeping

On air mattresses,

Your head on my knees

And your feet by mine

As I fall off the edge.

 

Goodnight, dear love,

But I cannot

See 

You

Tomorrow morning,

As once again,

We become strangers

That

were once sisters.

Strangers,

As all friends return to.

Like life after death:

Failed,

But continuous.

Goodnight, Chey.