Drowning, Lonely, Panic

Drowning

I feel so still

In a sea of people moving

No matter how hard I try

I try to move

To save myself

But I’m drowning

I’m pulled under the current

Of my own violent emotions

I drown

I drown in a sea

A sea of people who can’t see

My vast sea

yet somehow shallow

Made of my own emotion

Help me I'm drowning

Being pulled into the undertow

I can’t get back to the surface

No matter how hard I kick 

And scream

I can’t even see now

It’s a sea of blackness 

It’s choking me 

How?!

It’s seeping in like a dark poison

Staining my psyche

And burning my insides with acid

I’m running out of air now

and my lungs beg me to part my lips 

Somebody, please save me

Aren’t I worth it?!

The undertow has taken me down now

I have no hope of saving myself

Save me!!

Hear ME 

Listen!

Listen, to my silent plea

I’m screaming 

But words won’t come out

And the tears won’t fall down

I’m drowning in an ocean 

Of unshed tears

They’ve wrapped around me

Emotions tangled like seaweed

I can’t BREATHE!!!

Somebody save me please!

I can’t even save myself!

The current is too strong

And I’ve been struggling to stay afloat for far too long

I need help

Or else

         I

            will

                      DROWN

Lonely

It's strange

Somehow i end up feeling lonely

In a crowd of people

I can feel incredibly lonely surrounded by people 

And yet when i retreat to my room

A sanctuary 

A safe place

I feel safe and comfortable

I guess that

There’s a difference between lonely and alone

When your alone 

Completely alone

Truly alone

It’s something that you choose to be

And yet when you’re surrounded by others

You can feel that gaping chasm

Growing and expanding inside you

A dark and deep abyss 

Impenetrable no matter what you do

One that nobody seems willing to cross

Slowly swallowing you whole

With no chance of escape

It’s odd, being surrounded by people 

But managing to feel still and completely alone

As though there’s a wall separating you from the rest of the world 

Leaving you to the insanity of solitary confinement

Making you feel as though your on display

And as your voice becomes quiet 

Your psyche gets louder and louder

Until that’s all you can hear

Being alone is often a choice

But loneliness is not

The feeling of loneliness can hit you like a train sometimes

Knocking you off your feet when you least expect it

 

Panic 

A noise 

Loud and sudden 

Startles me

Scares me

Terrifies me

Petrifies me

I tell myself that it’s okay

And I’m overreacting 

But it just makes it worse

My breath quickens

And my heart rate increases

it's not a gun Not a Gun

NOT A GUN NOTAGUN
NOT AGAIN NOTAGUN

It’s only a balloon

Not a gun, not a gun

But it’s too late now

My downward spiral has already begun.

My heart races as it tries in vain

To compete with my speeding breath

Black spots linger like blinding rain

At the edge of my vision 

And I know I’m going down 

I manage to find a chair

As I attempt to fight the feeling 

Of impending doom

shove me in a padded room

My breathing is fast and ragged

Uncontrolled and violent

I clutch my chest 

To try and stop

The painful palpitations 

I tell myself to “stop being such a baby”

That I’m “just overreacting and it’s not that bad”

I try to make it stop

But my breath is wild

And it won’t obey 

People can see me

Make it stop Make it STOP

STOP IT STOPITSTOP please!

I clutch my head

It might explode 

With all the thoughts racing through my head

I’m afraid I’ll pass out 

Or die…. But that might not be so bad now

I can’t breathe

My lungs hurt to expand 

And I’m drowning 

On dry land

Unknown hands attempt to guide me

Pressing my hands against my face

But I can’t feel them

A strange tingling sensation 

Spreads across my arms and into my hands

"Breathe

Breathe

Breathe

Slow down now

Too fast dear"

The numb spreads to my face

And I stop breathing completely 

And I can’t draw another.

I calm briefly 

And then it starts again

Coming back with a vengeance 

My legs are shaking

Like their very own earthquakes 

Stop it stop it stop it

PLEASE
NONONONONO

I feel like I'm dying 

Make it stop 

My hands ball into fists

Banging against my head 

Again and again 

Pulling at my hair

Dimmily I realize 

I have an audience 

To my insanity

Hands move mine back 

Over my face

To try to tame my wild breath

As the world begins to fade to black.