I have this Mask

i have this Mask i wear

i put my Mask on early in the morning

i wrap it tight round my face 

With tight knots to keep it in place

i put it there to keep me safe

my Mask isn’t one anybody can really see

At least nobody around but me

my Mask is not made of plastic, wood, or paper

 

Sometimes my Mask will slip…

Or a friend will tug at its strings

my Mask will fall away for a brief moment

A glimpse of the person behind my Mask is shown

Behind the mask of false confidence lies anxiety

Behind my mask of smiles and laughter 

Lies, tears, sobs, and self-loathing

 

my loud voice covers the soft but growing Voice in my mind

Voice says “You’re not here and nobody cares

Whenever someone grants me a rare compliment 

The ruthless Voice in my head scolds me 

For even trying to believe the kind words People will say

It tells me that They are lying 

it reminds me of everything i did wrong 

Or that I may be better off dead

 

i chose to show bits and pieces of me

i never show it all while i watch for how you react

I offer the person behind the Mask in parts because that's what they are

They are Broken

The pieces that i cut myself on

Trying to put them back together

And i hand a pieces to you one by one

With bleeding fingers

 

i had a Mask 

And it makes it hard to breathe and a hard to think

i have this Mask because what was behind it was wrong

It was the things that had labeled me as ‘emotional’ and a ‘crybaby’ 

I discarded those into the void behind Mask

These days my Mask has gotten tighter

It’s getting harder to take it off when i need to

And the broken pieces are getting bigger

Emotion’s been hidden behind my Mask with the Broken pieces

my Mask has cracks in it now

From Emotion’s rioting 

And the nasty Voice leading the charge

Sometimes i have to check my Mask in the mirror

To make sure it looks convincing

i practice my smiles and laughs

my frowns and grins

 

i check the mirror

My mask is almost good enough 

She’s practically flawless

i tighten the knots on my mask a bit more

And restrain the emotions that fight my mask

 

The Mask is cracked now

Her pieces are digging into my flesh

But still, i keep Her on 

It’s tightening more each day

Smothering me

Like a boa constrictor does to its prey

Until it no longer struggles and no longer breath

Can you see it?

 

i have this mask i wear

i put it on in the morning

i wrap it tight round my face

With tight knots to keep it in place

i put it there to keep me safe

my Mask isn’t one anybody can really see

At least nobody around but me

The Mask is not made of plastic, wood, or paper

She’s made of fake smiles and painted with lies

 

“How are you?” someone asks

The Mask says “i’m fine”

the same bitter lie with a sweet smile

‘This kind of acting deserves an Oscar’ Voice laughs bitterly

The Mask agrees silently while holding back Emotion’s tears

 

i have this Mask i wear

i put my Mask on early in the morning

i wrap it tight round my face 

With tight knots to keep it in place

i put it there to keep me safe

my Mask isn’t one anybody can really see

At least nobody around but me

my Mask is not made of plastic, wood, or paper

i didn’t always have this Mask

But now i can’t live without it

It’s becoming my glue 

The thing that holds me together

If i take it off i’m certain i’ll shatter

 

Because the me behind the Mask is broken but

It was never my fault for breaking

Even if Voice tells me it is

It’s not my fault that it hurts to look at mirrors sometimes

It’s not my fault that i don’t like to eat 

Or that i don’t like to sleep

It’s not my fault that people like to use me and throw me away

And it’s not my fault that hugs scare me sometimes

Loud noises too

It’s not my fault that i’m a bit strange

Cause what is strange really

Is it something different or something different from you

 

i have this Mask i wear

i put my Mask on early in the morning

i wrap it tight round my face 

With tight knots to keep it in place

i put it there to keep me safe

my Mask isn’t one anybody can really see

At least nobody around but me

my Mask is not made of plastic, wood, or paper

my mask keeps me safe in a way

It stops the questions 

And keeps Emotion at bay

 

Sometimes my thoughts get loud

So I play my music louder 

To try and drown Voice in the lyrics

Sometimes it works but often Voice just gets louder and louder

Til i can’t hear a sound

Not a even a single thing

I couldn’t even hear the phone 

couldn’t even hear it ring

It gets harder and harder to think with voices yelling in my mind 

It’s harder still to breath

It hurts to know that my mind can hate me more than anyone else

I have this mask 

And sometimes it hurts

But i keep it on at my own expense

Even though it hurts

I keep it on though it infects my skin 

Even though it hurts

I gaslight myself into believing that im okay

 

Even if i’m not

Cause it’s better to think you are 

even if deep down you know your not

It gives me that false sense of security

It gives me the strength to make it another day

They say better bittier truths than sweet lies

But let me keep my lies

 

“Are you okay?’”

There’s that question again and again

The one that hurts to answer

The question that scares me 

It’s terrifying because i know that every time i answer

It’s always a lie

i say i’m fine

Hell i’d say i was fine if i got hit by a car

i have, 

and i did.

Even when i’m hurt my mask stays firmly attached to my face

It’s become a second skin now

 

My Mask is special to me too

It’s different because i made it so it can change when it’s supposed to

These days it’s gotten hard to tell if i do feel sad or happy

‘cause i’ve been gaslighting myself for so long

I don’t know if im forcing myself to feel

Or if it’s the real thing

 

I used to have nightmares every night

I was relieved to wake up 

Now my nightmares start when i wake

I don’t worry about monsters in the closet anymore

The only monster hiding in the closet is me now 

Ive made friends with the monster under the bed

And the monsters in my head

 

The monsters used to scare me 

They used to hurt me

They used to keep me up at night

Now i’m the one that scares me 

i’m the one who keeps me up at night

And i’m the one who hurts me 

Most of the time

….

Have i become my monster?

Or was i always the monster

And they were simply apart from me for a while

Now the monsters have become a part of me

Just like Emotion, Voice, and Mask

It hurts as another piece slips from me

Shattering into millions of pieces

 

my Mask at first was a shield

A source of protection

Now..

It has become a poison 

One that i willlingly drink

Infecting my anatomy 

Turning me into something im not 

And something i can never be

It’s searing into my skin like acid 

But i can’t take it off now

I’ve worked too hard to take it off

Besides the knots are far too tight 

to even hope to remove it is foolish

 

i keep the Mask on for my safety 

As well as yours