An anticlimactic sexual event...

with Barb Black née Beebee
to help set the ghost
of little Willy Brandt free
(a non German, but germane fellow
courtesy Craigslist classified
personals of mine invitee
she replied, I took liberty
to Google her first and last name,
and risked calling mentioning,
she qualified as lucky nominee
meaning yours truly hanker
for a barenaked lady
to indulge libidinal orgasmic spree,
(ahem - no pun intended)
in layman's terms to make whoopie!

Years ago, an outing
with paramour went awry

lower gastrointestinal system
of the down did not comply
dear reader let these lines hopefully edify

and entertain courtesy
garden variety generic guy,
who strives to tickle your fancy
to jollify cause yours truly
tries humor that's no lie

and if receptive

to give feedback please notify
author of these words
who in actuality
counts himself a private-eye.

Picture the opening scene
Cumberland Farms -
in Coatesville, Pennsylvania,
the paramour and I purchase lunch;

she bought the two
Italian hoagies and drinks,

one for me and the other for her.

Upon arriving back
at boudoir place of courtesan,

we inherently, immediately,
got down to monkey business;

each of us carefully unwrapped
our respective submarine;
Between mouthfuls of deli meat and cheese,
(the latter a substance that triggered
nascent irritable bowel syndrome),

I suppressed grimaces of abdominal agony,

which facial contortions overrode attempts
at non verbal foreplay.

The rapid fire acting power of dairy product
moved bowels of mine faster than
The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.

Despite frequent record breaking
sprints to the bathroom
nothing would forsake golden opportunity

to indulge philandering bacchanalian adultery.

Sexual intercourse the farthest
thought in my mind,
yet I ignored queasiness,
and feigned interest,

no matter intuition
vis a vis gurgly tummy
signaled warning against
engaging in frolicsome escapade,

nevertheless Casanova wannabe
succumbed to arrange himself
in concert with his mistress
two times the ninth highest prime number.

Woody pecker of mine

(a fine specimen male organ she
highly touted, praised, and notated
courtesy the woman, whose presence

I honorably graced)
perhaps interpreted and intimated
as a fervent desire to rut
(despite lady of the night
having undergone tubal ligation
years before our initial close encounters

of the illicit kind took place
at Evansburg Park,
where after at least
a decade of being celibate,

I experienced premature ejaculation

and soiled my underwear,
which super seminal glue
seals a stronger bond than

another tried and true
rigged with mortise and tenon.

A mortise and tenon joint connects

two pieces of wood or other material.

Woodworkers around the world used it
for thousands of years
to join pieces of wood,
mainly when the adjoining pieces
connect at right angles.
Mortise and tenon joints count as strong
and stable joints used in many projects.

Now lemme loop back
to aforementioned plight

to sorry state of affairs
that found me plagued
with an overactive
internal anal sphincter (IAS)
and external anal sphincter (EAS);

The internal anal sphincter (IAS)
forms the innermost muscular layer
of the anal canal and is a continuation
of the circular muscle of the rectum
and ends with a pronounced rounded edge
1 to 1.5 cm caudal to the dentate line
and slightly cranial to the terminus
of the external anal sphincter (EAS).