December

As I flip the calendar my eyes get misty

The worst month of the year is here

Yet again I have to bite my tongue and smile

While everyone around me is happy

I'm sitting here in despair

Nine years later I still feel the sting

The wound just as fresh as that afternoon

You promised you'd look out for me

So I look for you in everything I do

Once in a while you give me a sign

Whether it's a song or a cloud

That rainy day this July

Were you jealous of them all

Getting to see me how you always wanted

Or did you make it rain so they had to

I ask you for a sign to keep going

On my worst days you're there

Bringing some sort of happiness

To symbolize you're still here

That you're still watching over me

Did you help him find me that day

The one who flipped my world upside down

Whose birthday is close to your death day

Or were you the one that found that game

The one I used to play while we talked

I zoned and thought of you as I played

For hours on end my brain floated back

To my teen years when you weren't mine

However bad we wanted to

The only problem is I forgot your voice

Why can't I remember how you sound

You were one of few who knew my name

My real name

Hearing you speak it would grab my attention

It was also one of the last things you said

Your last words to me still ring in my head

It was my name and “I'm sorry”

Closure is realizing I couldn't have saved you

No matter if I was awake or not

My words wouldn't have swayed you

Your mind was made up already

However I wish we could've talked again

That last night would have meant so much

To the both of us it could've been special

Could I have told you I love you?

Would you have pushed me away

I'm sure my words wouldn't change things

But I still wish I had said them

December will never be a happy month

Yet I hope you're in a happy place now

One where you don't have to hurt

And one where you know how I feel

I stare at the calendar and wipe my cheeks

December is here and I still love my wolf