I saw my rapist, and I did not cry- not even a little bit, not even once. 

 

I am smiling, and I am wearing tight clothes, glitter wrapped around every crevice of my face, laugh lines accentuated by sparkle

I’m in a bar with my friends and it is New Year’s, and I feel magical until my sister comes rushing down the stairs to tell me that he is here. I have not seen him in over seven years except for the whispers and gossip that people tell me and Coffee Shops, bedrooms, and bars where I stayed hidden from him for so long 

I walked up the stairs leg shaking, stomach turning and I didn’t see him

In fact, at first, I mistake him for someone else

 I drink pour my belly full of liquid courage 

and then I open the door to the outside and standing there, face-to-face almost nose to nose 

It’s him 

My nightmare, my biggest fear, come to life 

he came alone with no friends 

In pinstripe pants and a top hat 

I gave him a dirty look and walked past 

Like he was no one 

Like he never abused me

Like  he never pretended to love me  

Like he never raped me 

Like he was just a loser in the bar. 

And then it hits me that 

That’s all he ever was 

Just a man.

Simply vapid human.  

Someone I don’t care about at all. 

The ball drops and I go home 

I have so many feelings but mostly 

I am happy

Despite his abuse, despite the pain, despite everything 

I am happy 

He exists, and he existed in the same room as me and I survived unscathed

I will never forgive him 

But finally 

I’ve forgiven myself for allowing him to be in my life for so long 

 I saw him I did not shed a tear 

Instead, I shed the layers of fear coiled around my membranes 

Drifting to the ground 

To be left untouched