Courtesy of The Love I Will Never Receive

It was pitch black, the ruthless night

Unforgiving, unrelentless and unsatisfied

If you listened close enough, you could hear it

The devastating crumpling of what was left of my heart

It’s a good thing no one ever listens

I’m afraid it would break their stone hearts if they saw me

How can you possibly give me an explanation,

For something as cruel as fate or destiny?

Midnight has never tasted so bittersweet

The words I said all those years ago echoed in my head endlessly

Except this time, it wasn’t ironic or sarcastic, or for kicks and giggles

It was a desperate whisper, tragically soft, entwined with treacherous thorns

“Am I really so unlovable?”

Is it true that the antidote I gulped desperately was a curse all along?

It seems I forgot the unforgiving nature of truths that will always remain agonizing

No matter if it is concealed under hundreds of disguises, it will forever remain vicious

And now that I’m paying for it, a little white lie or bluff has never seemed so harmless

He broke my heart without even knowing it

He shattered what little hope I had left lingering in me

He finished the battle I had been fighting ever since I was born

How can someone who doesn’t know you become a corrupt catalyst?

I was too busy reeling from the realization

That while I had met many cruel men in this short lifetime,

The only good one left me hurting, too

He doesn’t even know I exist and still somehow defined my entire being

I stared, and stared, and stared, and kept on staring

At the mirror, at my soul, at my empty boat left sinking near the dock

I’m afraid the happy ending I imagined as a little girl will die before it even reaches me

Fading into the receding sunset and taking my purpose with it

I sniffled softly and drank the rum of my salty tears

I quickly swallowed the want before it defined me

But the thought of being alone seared my skin with longing

For change, for love, for forgiveness, for redemption, for someone, if anyone at all

I’m so terrified for being this young

Should I fear what I have become, or grieve for what will be left of me?

Shall I board the train already, should I bid adieu prematurely?

I’ll burn all the fairytale books if that’s what it takes for someone to love me

It’s a harrowing sight, really

To see a creature so desperate, so hurt, so confused, so small

I think I love like a dog; messily, panting, drooling, and whining

Isn’t it disturbing that I bare my teeth at the mere thought of you leaving?

I’m sorry for disgusting you, my love

Tell me to change and baby, trust me, I will become a stranger in less than a heartbeat

I’ll tear myself down and apart before I let you see me for me, or recognize these damaged goods

I can replace everything except my nationality, and for that, I’m sorry

I wonder what happened that left me so wounded

Could it be the trembling figure hunched over the bathroom sink?

With shaking shoulders, quivering lips, and watery eyes?

Praying for death, for alternate realities, in search for teeth-rottingly sweet love?

I want to puke at the thought of dying alone

Is it really so selfish of me to want to be wanted?

To be offered tenderness, quiet peace, and soothing whispers,

In place of harshness, deafeningly loud violence, and bone-rattling shouts?

I didn’t believe it at first, I desperately didn’t want to

How could a teenager have an epiphany such as this?

To believe with every fiber of their being,

That they were truly and irrevocably unlovable?

Until I realized that they were me

It’s the same story, circa 2014

And the fantasies that will die with me

Courtesy of the love I will never receive.