Explosions

It happened again

But this time it was worse

I didn't even care if I'd go to Heaven

Even though I know I'm probably going to Hell, of course

I exploded, something greater than a nuke 

Everything just got too much and I blew

All that anger, sadness, resentment, just bubbled up

The bottle I stuff my darkness in broke, and everything was fucked

Maybe I should explain

What lead to this explosion of pain

You see, I had a good thing going with you

I explained all my conditions, showed you my scars, told my issues

And you understood

Smiled that damn crooked smile and healed my wounds

Made me feel happier

I should have seen the upcoming disaster

Because the whole time you played with me, used me

You were with someone else

I saw posts, pictures of you and her, looking so happy and free

Alone, in the dark, I threw up and cried to myself

Then you started saying all those hurtful words

Sharp words, opening wide those wounds you so carefully healed

Strange, you know how to strike all the right chords

All my pain came crashing back, and again I dreamt of Elysian fields

So yeah, that hurt more than I could ever admit

Because I opened up, exposed my heart, and you stabbed it

Big fucking surprise

God, sometimes I hate that I'm so blind

Then I come home

Hiding my bloody wrists and thighs with a sweater

Eyes red from tears, lips pressed together to suppress the storm

The storm of shit brewing within me, more rainy weather

Just for my separated dysfunctional parents to call me down from my room

For another "family dinner"

That ended in a cacophony of yelling and screaming, but I knew

I knew that'd happen, to that, I'm no beginner

But, when it came to my sea of pain I was no swimmer

The yelling, cursing, just broke something deep within me

All that anger, pain, sadness surfaced for everyone to see

I snapped, a broken rubberband, a set off bomb

Tired of all the shit, blurry guilty face of Mom

My quiet demeanor disappeared, was no longer there

I screamed, cried, got up and threw my chair 

The negativity I always pushed down rising, eating me alive

And I collapsed, the only sound my choking cries 

Stumbled to my room, sobbed on my bed until I slept

Waking up, empty and alone, in a cold sweat

I could already feel myself disassociate 

Numbed myself with my meds and my vape

Only to go back to school with that fake smile

On my broken face

Sneaking out at midnight, walking for miles

My numbing limbs moving faster as I pick up my pace

Running on the road, dangerously close to speeding cars, sprinting to clear my head

Running away from the monster inside it, the one under my bed

Running until I cant tell the difference between sweat and tears

Can't feel my feet, don't care, just gotta keep running from my fears

Not even knowing 

Where the hell I'm going

Until I collapse on the grass

Looking into the night, I'm in the cemetery

Lonely trees rustling, millions of tombstones stationary

And I felt at peace

Sitting there with the dead

Protected by the embrace of willows

Walking around, feeling my dissipating dread

Leaning against the trunk of a wise, elderly great oak

Taking off my sweater, staring down at my scars

Crisscrossing up and down my arms

Wondering when this shit will end

When can I rest with the dead?

The wind burning my gashes

That satisfying burn while I trace my slashes

Gently crying against the protective oak tree

Staring at the stars, longing to be up there with them, to be free

To be free of all the pain

To no longer feel shame

When I stare at my broken fogged reflection

Hot water burning my body, steam rising when I step out the shower

Quickly hiding my scarred complexion

Brushing my imperfect teeth so many times the toothpaste burns, tastes something sour

Going by, day by day, feeling like I'm dying

But I'm still fucking smiling

The crashing waves of pain

Lapping at my "land of being okay"

The seas of turmoil washing away all my innocent dirt

Replacing my happiness with grief and hurt

Wave after wave, causing damaging erosion 

Waiting patiently

Until my next explosion