Why I Almost Turned Out The Lights

I wrote before about the loss of an employee

Who betrayed me with his own life choices

Those choices were inevitably his and his for him and not for me

As it should be

The writing spewed about how I thought of splatting my head from the third floor

It was an intoxicating thought at the time and nothing to adore

My head canted, looking back to my flight path

I was so close that night to meeting whatever maker awaits

Did I lack the courage that night, while looking out the gate? 

Or did I have the courage to wake for another rotation of the earth?

I fucking rotated and upon reflection I learned anew

I was drunk the other night in NOLA where by myself I sat

After a night of friends and music and drinks and drinks

And it occurred to me that

The distraught me, the feel sorry for me, me, didn’t know it at the time

But I was hurting from the childhood I missed out on

The parent who left

And the parent who stayed, but was gone

Abandoned together

When the employee left our small company and corner of the universe

Those feelings bolted into my soul and sang a verse

The feelings of alone, abandonment, doggie paddling with sharks encircling

Sitting on a curb as a three year old crying, wondering where mommy is, no inkling

Where the fuck is she?  And why am I alone?

My soul knew why I was so hurt and I was reaching for a bone

I now know - I was abandoned again, yes that’s what it was

I don’t know what to do with the hurt and sadness

But at least now, I know the cause

They say talking and expanding and unpacking emotions and feelings helps

Then why am I crying as I write this, and sit here and yelp?

What the fucking fuck fuck good does it do?

I can’t change what happened.  So why should I stew?

I have already learned and fucking learned from it

Yea, I won’t do the same.  I’ve not done the same.  I’ve stayed. 

I ultimately learned a bit