alive.... maybe?

I always wished to die a million times every time I wake up from my short staccato sleep.

One day chain-smoking helped me stop thinking about what I want the most.

And made me start thinking about who I should become.

I want a beautiful body.

I want a calm resting soul.

I need eternal light inside of me.

Even if I have some, we all do!

I just need more.

I want to be like New York used to be one day.

I’ve never been there, only saw it in the pictures.

I guess I hope one day my digital reflection could be this stunning.

Breathtaking with long marvelous towers.

Giant and strong.

Rich is fashion rich in concept.

Having a strong will to become whom God wants me to be.

He was always too good to me.

Even when I don’t deserve it.

I always believe that we all deserve it though.

We always do.

We make mistakes, we grow.

With gold lines coating our cracked bodies.

Coating my skin like a sunset too beautiful to be real.

Too beautiful.

To be seen.

I wish I was seen before.

People always want something from you.

They leave us the moment we have nothing to offer.

I always sit in bathtubs I never owned.

Thinking about how I got there.

Thinking about how I let trauma define me.

I am simply undefined.

By titles by trauma by history.

I am whoever God wants me to be.

I am someone to be.

I have something to be able to do.

I don’t know it yet.

I don’t care to find out.

As long as I am beautiful.

Inside before outside.

As long as I am hopeful.

For hope to be the only thing I have to care about.

I have nothing.

I have everything.

I admire so little.

And I need much more.

I always thought about how lucky prophets must be.

Knowing who they are knowing where they came from.

I envy.

I lust such company.

His company.

God, I love thee.

And you showed me your mutual admiration.

I just wish to hear it.

Wish to see it written on my scares.

I don’t want to die necessarily.

Unless you are there with me when I cross the line.

I love you like no other.

I will love you forever.

Even when I am lying on the floor of a poorly lit bathroom.

With water covering every inch of my body.

My mortal body.

Covering my eternal soul.

The only thing I live for.

The only thing I have left.

The only thing I learned to love.

You and I are together one.