Distant

I thought maybe with you all
Things would be different
Things could be good
It could be swell

Even though...

 

Time kept ticking onward

little things kept piling up

little knicks

little scratches I ignored

 

I hoped maybe it could heal

maybe things could get better

maybe I'd see myself

sitting on that far off horizon

 

But all of the colors faded
All the kindness there was was had

there was nothing else to see

except the coming catastrophe

 

I thought I could keep going

I thought I could bare these scars
Make them shine
As you push pins in me

 

Claim you gave my tasks you never did

More notes obscure my face

But it's my fault

It's always my fault

 

And I've seen this all before

 

I couldn't understand

How you could be so wrong

How you could hurt me so much

But then I remembered the pins

 

Pushing in on me

Stabbing mild but bleeding me out

Pushing deeper and deeper
With each task I never got told

 

It's getting old

Hearing constantly you making things up

About how well things are going

twice or thrice a year

 

No evidence

 

it's evident now

you're bullshitting me

filling my head with half truths

and more lies

 

get what you want

push pins into me till I bleed

blind me with notes

you refuse to notice

 

what you're doing to me

as you push me away

screaming for me to stay

the contrarians

 

I hoped this would heal

get better with time

and I'd find us all

sitting on that horizon line

 

once upon a sunrise

we could have maybe stayed friends

but now there's a sunset

and I have 2 many holes to patch

 

as I remember before I met you

and I thought I would stay a while

maybe I wasn't alone in my dreams

but you faded all those colors away

 

I tried to see the best in you

even when you brought out the worst in me

even when you poked and prodded

and clearly cast me aside

 

You claim I'm the bad friend

I'm the bad person

When none of you call

Unless you need to berate me

 

None of you answer your phones

But I can't communicate

None of you look at your texts

But call about shit I already made clear

 

You tell me to calm down

But how am I to do that

When you only speak to me

when we're both upset

 

Still, I tried repairing cracks

Still, I tried repainting scratches

Still, I tried...

I tried...

 

You keep exhausting options

You keep ignoring problems

You keep adding more pins

More notes

More pain

More tears

 

Push pins
Pushing me away

 

More and more time ticks away

More and more clear there's no way

More and more tears cried over you

Lost time I'll never have back

 

But I cheated you?

But I wronged you?
But I left you when you couldn't make this more clear?

But it's somehow always my fault

That the pins you stick in come loose

And I start to bleed out from you?

 

Your uselessness

Confounds me

Your empty shells that once contained

People I could call friends

Have lost all interest to me

 

I've seen this all before

All the colors draining from the sunset

All the blackness coating the ocean

That I cried for you 3

 

Now I have to find myself

Without you leeching off me

Draining color from my life

While claiming you're trying to put it there

 

More and more distant

More and more disdain

as I realize more and more

That there was never an 'us' on that shore

 

That you never intended to keep me there

Despite how loyal I was

You'd sooner push me in that ocean

Than actually share that beach with me

 

Tell yourselves lies

That I was always the problem

That it's always everyone else's fault

Despite the common denominator in every equation

Equaling up to you working alone

 

I should have known

Fuck, I wish I'd known

Just how much you'd take from me

In spite of you proclaiming what you've given

 

How I should be grateful

Of the 100s of hours I spent

Fussing over things that you never had

Any intention to actually do

 

So much time I wasted on you

So much energy spent on you

So much time I could have spent learning

The tools you stole from me

 

I thought if I stayed

long enough

I could get you back

From yourselves

 

But know I know

The path you've chose

Only leads to more pins

In

Me

 

I'll take a rain-check on that pain

I'll take a short trip on memory lane

Maybe with time I'll repaint you with brighter inks

Than you deserve

 

Until that time comes

All the colors you once held

Have only faded to blackness

At your own hands