living extraordinarily

I want my life to be extraordinary
when I was a child
I promised to live every minute without apology 
now I have realised, living every minute 
means living every second within all those minutes
by extension, it means living every hour
every day 
every life without apology 

I am trying to remember that I am so achingly alive 
I can feel the depth of pain so fully 
bones cracking and blood rushing through veins 
I read a poem aloud to my bedroom walls last night
pacing up and down because it had me so on-edge
the more I read, the more breathless I became

living every second does sound exhausting
but living doesn’t always have to be loud or intense
I don’t need constant bated breath
or tachycardia-inducing anticipation
living does not have to be indignant 
it can be soft
warm
gentle 
it doesn’t need to pull me along by the wrist
it can hold my hand 
kiss my knuckles
trace my fingers

living can be sleepy
I stayed in bed with my sister until midday 
and lived every second of it 
every second, minute
hour
day, life

I am so sickeningly alive
the depth of my pain
is almost unbearable 
pulverising and putrid 
but so is my happiness
and my love
I feel surrounded by darkness 
because the light is stored inside of me
droplets of it seep through my eyes
the pores I have tried to hide
pouring out of my fingertips when I write
beaming light 
breath-taking light
there are sunflowers wrapped around my ribcage
and they face in all directions
because the light is so consistently bright

daisies on my lungs
roses on my heart
sometimes the thorns pierce through
but the light
the unapologetic light
the blazing, unquenchable light
shines straight on the pinpricks of torn flesh
they cannot hide
they remain exposed, revealed
until they heal

I want my life to be extraordinary 
but just knowing I hold all of that inside
is extraordinary 

I am so passionately alive
I am still a child
I will still promise to live with every breath

every heartbeat 
every laugh 
tear
pinprick of darkness amongst light 

I will live extraordinarily
unapologetically 
and finally,

something will feel right. 

13:54pm – 25/10/23.