poem 24 / brain dump & thoughts #1

Im so tired

Of the repeating

Process

Unnecessary 

Actions

Words

And implications

Being exchanged.

My brain

Blocking out

Everything i dont

Want to remember

Yes.

Yes, it was

My choice.

But it was because

I do not want

To go through

That, that

Thing, 

Again.

The therapy sessions, 

Trying to be nice.

Using emotional intelligence, 

Trying to figure out the roots of these actions, 

Maybe it isnt me.

Maybe all this blame on myself isnt necessary.

But of course i can’t tell him that.

I would get called a liar.

Then my feelings would be invalid.

Again.

Why is it that I can’t follow instructions, you ask?

Maybe it is because

I have gone through this too many times

Before.

I didn’t want to lie.

But it was one email.

A singular email.

Which is why I said no.

‘No, I did not demonstrate appropriate technology use today.’

What if I had lied, 

Because of my thought of

That one email

Being insignificant?

But i didnt.

And don’t you think i know

That i will probably end up

Like my mother.

And, 

To use the word you used, 

A disappointment.

“I hope you aren’t as much a disappointment to your child as your mother is to you”

But she is not a disappointment to me.

She has problems, yes.

But thats what makes her human.

That’s what make me human.