I'll Be Good

The pain cleaves my chest

It has followed me for years

It leaves me empty

I am nothing but barbed imaginings and

Salty dreams dripping down my cheeks

'im not strong enough'

'i cant do this'

ruthless words cycle through my head

I wont ever go back to the scars

but the idea does pop in from time to time

I wont ever act on it again

however that doesn't mean I'm immune

to feeling cold and tired

numb and done

pain so shattering I wonder

how ill ever put myself back together

how can I go on?

when this feeling always manages to find me

I crave peace

I chase love

I fight for peoples time

 i am so tired  of trying  to receive something  that's normally freely given

why am I not the one to receive it

in this earthly form

I am blindded by tunnel vision

that only sees wounds and not the bandages

people have given me

I lie to myself and

say no one cares

but I know that's not true

but maybe if I believe it

I can stop feeling so alone

so hurt

so sad

so lost 

so 

so

so

so

done

so unworthy of peoples affection

I think I'm broken

I don't know how to fix me

I don't wanna trauma flash anyone

I don't wanna be a 'pick me' person

I just need love and understanding

support and compassion

but I know not where to look

I am trying so hard to be good

good person

good student

good child

good friend

good me

but I am tiring

so tired

maybe one day

ill be good