Little Things

I never really noticed the little things until now

The kinds of things that are passed between us and just accepted, not necessarily acknowledged, yet still there

Like when we'd walk down the hallways, the corners of your lips raising with your brows

Your hand unconsciously slipping into mine while your fingers play with my hair

It took losing you to realize all the little things, so tender yet as imperceptible as a grass blades bow

The way you'd complement my outfits, my glossy lips, or smell my scent, our steps falling in unison

The slight twinkle in your eyes when you tell me another one of your stupid jokes

I can't stop thinking of all the little things now, how much I miss them like the cold Earth misses the sun

Because I took them for granted, not realizing how special it made me feel until that bond broke

How you'd always pick up after me when I wake up in the morning a mess

I'd cook and forget to put the eggs and coffee back, forget to empty the coffee grounds

And I'd yell at you for putting it all back but you'd just hug me and say "you did your best"

We'd get into your car, and you'd put your hand on my thigh, the burning sensation traveling to my ears, numbing all sounds

And I'd just smile like a fool, laying my hand on top of yours and putting my head on your shoulder

The way you would always give me your sweater when the winter rolled on over

I didn't have to ask for any of it, yet it was still there, so obvious yet so invisible

Then when the winter was over, all of a sudden, so were we, and all of it became very visible

Because now, it hurts to see you with that someone else, so happy together

When we talk, its not the same, and suddenly I can still feel that cold weather

Even when I try to sleep, its like you haunt my dreams, now everyone says I should be over it, and I scream "I know!"

I know I should be over it but I can't because you love them like you used to love me, possibly even more

And I don't even know if you know it yourself yet, but I can hear it in the excitement in your voice, the way your eyes glow

The way you hover around them with a smile that only to me you used to show

And that hurts, as much as I lie to myself and say that its fine, its not

Because now, I walk alone in the hallways, my hands tucked in my pockets, and my head down low

The only jokes I hear are the ones on my phone when I'm scrolling late at night, letting my brain rot

Waking up like a zombie in the morning and making myself breakfast, but the milk went bad, and the coffee was dry and cold

Because again, I forgot, but you weren't there this time to help me out

And when I get home I just laugh when I see it, laugh with tears, and now when I drive alone in my car I can still feel that imprint on my thigh

That heated imprint that you left behind, and sometimes I still trace it exactly how it was while I cry

I got sick this winter now because it got cold, and the only jacket I had was at home, the ice creeping through my veins like my doubts

Because that very same cold day I saw you and them, them walking around with your sweater, and I felt the tear on my cheek crystallize

I try to ignore it, but the little things seem to stick with me, like the other day someone complimented my glossy lips

And I felt that pang in my heart, even as I smiled a thank you I could feel that pain

Reverberating throughout my body, pounding in every vessel and vein

Because for a second I saw the ghost of you, twinkle in your eyes, that smile that made my stomach do flips

But it disappeared when you walked right past me with an arm around them, and again I felt that pain

Not the kind of pain you feel when you stub a toe or accidentally cut yourself, but the kind that's like a heartache of anxiousness

From feeling utterly alone

I could be in a room surrounded by friends and family and still feel the loneliness press from your absence 

I'll smile and talk and laugh but on the inside I still feel like a heavy cold stone

Since I don't have you here to love me anymore

I see you and them still, so happy and free

And in my head I'll scream "that should be me"

Because I still don't understand how they checked more boxes for you

How after a week or two you immediately knew

How you just left us behind so easily and forgot out memory

Well, guess what? I still remember everything

From your birthday to your favorite music to your pets names

Remember the way you called me your healer to your hearts maims

And I guess that's all I was, a nurse caring for your wounds

Even though I planned and measured our life together out with coffee spoons

But that's fine, I know I'll never forget

Well, I won't forget you but still leave the kitchen a mess

I'll walk down the halls, hands in pockets and head down low

I'll get in the car and feel your stupid imprint while I drive down the road

I wish you the best and worst at the same time

And I hope you remember me every time you hear another poem or rhyme