I'm just so tired

I'm so fucking tired

And this time not the tired felt when I don't get any sleep

But the kind of tired of having no energy for anything, of being undesired

Of closing my eyes and drowning in thoughts more bottomless than the dark blue deep

Tired of getting up after getting no sleep, staring at a red eyed stranger in the mirror

Brushing imperfect teeth so many times it burns, combing through untamable hair

Scrolling mindlessly through videos showing beautiful people with wonderful lives, thinking, "I couldn't even be anything near her"

Staring down at the scars crisscrossing up and down on my arms, faded now, but still there

An invisible reminder of my horrid past

Not that anyone notices, anyway

Plus, all of that has passed

At least that's what I thought, that it'd all go away

But it doesn't, and it didn't

All it did was stay hidden

Waiting for the perfect moment to resurface

Now all I want, or rather need, is a good rest

Going out with that fake smile on my face gets tiring after a while

Locking up emotions in glass bottles that break out of their exile

I don't even know why I still try, honestly

Why I punish myself for the wrongs others have done to me

Maybe if I had been smarter, better looking, more quiet

Or louder, faster, on a better diet

Maybe then I wouldn't have been hurt the way I was

Maybe then I wouldn't be hurting myself at someone else's applause

I can make my favorite dish and still not be able to eat right

Because then I start thinking about my weight and resolve to stop

Even though I know I'm not fat, but I am, but I'm not

Sometimes the lines blur between what's real and what's just sight

I can feel cold creeping in my bones but the numbness in my body ignores it

I lay in bed alone and close my eyes but my brain is far from rest

And sometimes I turn on noise, or imagine someones laying next to me

Just so I don't have to feel so damn lonely

It sounds so stupid and pathetic but I have yet to feel great and admired

Because the truth is I'm so tired

Of watching the same shows on TV where there's a happy ending 

And wondering when I can get mine, imagining, pretending

That one day I will

That one day the racing thoughts will still

And the water leaking out my eyes will dry

One day, I can stop having to say that its just allergies, knowing its a lie

But maybe that's just life

I'm always there for everyone else, a rock to hold on to in a gushing river

The one who saves everyone else but no one cares to save me, just if my smile quivers

Then they'll ask what's wrong, why I'm not the way I usually am, why I'm not "myself"

When the smiling, happy, funny kid was all just a persona created after reading out of a bookshelf

I'm not actually happy, in fact, I don't even know what I am anymore

I'm just tired of going on like this everyday, so tired I can feel it in my bones

I can feel it in my soul

Because I don't know who I am, and probably won't find out soon

I can plan and measure my life out with coffee spoons

But it won't mean anything, because in the end it doesn't matter

I'll just keep trying to get my shit together and still be scattered

From the aftermath of being shattered

I don't want pity and no I'm not depressed

I just really want to rest

To be at peace with my mind

To not have to deal with everyone else's cries

I just don't want to be tired, don't want to play pretend and put on a mask

Is that really so much to ask?