The Old Flat Cap.

The Old Flat Cap !

Our Dad was but a simple man, never did much thinking.
Talented in other skills like gambling and drinking.
Didn't waste his hard earned cash on children nor his wife.
But when he came back from the pub, he‘d deliver sound advice.

On my eighteenth birthday our Dad produced a gift.
“ To improve my personality, give my sex appeal a lift!”
He handed me a parcel all floppy round and flat.
And much to my surprise, my present was a cap.

A cap the size of Wembley to wear upon my bonce.
The cap my Grandad died in “ He’d only worn it once!”
On a Zebra crossing old Grandad bit the dust.
Flattened in the tarmac, run over by a bus.

The coroner declared that no one was to blame.
The road was dark, the driver’s view, obscured by driving rain.
Our Grandad could not see too well. Just a sad mishap.
His eyes they were obstructed by the peak of his flat cap.

The flat cap I inherited came with sound advice.
Apart from two black tyre marks, it really looked quite nice.
It’s a family tradition passed down through generations.
A common bit of advice to unify the nations.
A piece of social welfare, to guard against mishap.
Wherever you may travel "Don’t forget your cap !”

When leaving home for work or going on a date.
You try to be so punctual, and never to be late.
A bit of preparation consult the weather map.
Put on your overcoat and don’t forget your cap.

You just won't feel the benefit, by leaving your head bare.
Your cap protects the follicles, your “ Barnet” and your hair.
You’ll never get arthritis, gout or constipation.
The girls who spot the tyre marks, begin a conversation.

King Henry the eighth, the ladies he could charm.
Always had a brand new wife, hanging off his arm.
The queens who disagreed with him, or dared to answer back.
Went straight to London tower they didn’t need a cap!

Adam and his lady friend, in Eden’s garden, dwelled.
The first couple on earth, or so the Bible tells.
Their first disagreement, the first time they were miffed.
Twas about a cox's pippin or a granny Smith.

One bite of forbidden fruit and they noticed they were nude.
Naked as two jaybirds vulnerable and rude.
Adam stood there naked, there was no prouder chap.
Standing in his birthday suit in nothing but his cap.

King Harold took his brave young troops to fight on Hastings sands.
A cheeky little Frenchman laid claim to Harold’s lands.
They watched the Punch and Judy show and had some Fish and Chips.
Waiting for Duke William to land his battle ships.

The battle had just started, when a bowman took his aim.
A nasty little Frenchman, “Pierre Bullseye,” was his name.
Took up a position, King Harold’s cap he spied.
Waving in the wind. the peak above one eye.
Pierre released the arrow, aimed at double top..
It hit the peak of Harold’s cap and in his eye it shot.

Poor Harold met his maker, and William became King.
Claimed King Harold’s Palaces, land and everything.
He moved into his castles, sat upon his throne.
Claimed our green and pleasant land, made himself at home.
And when he’d finished pillaging and wanted to relax.
He’d take off Harold’s crown and wear his old flat cap !