The Doc Good Will Hunted Me

A revelation happened with the head doc

After many visits I grew frustrated

I talked and talked with seemingly no progress

And I told him this would be the last visit

I only showed up because I forgot to cancel

And the no-show fee sucked

I’m glad I went

Because

3/4 through it was the same ole same ole

Except

He told me, “you need to keep seeing someone, whether me or someone else”

I remember thinking, “you don’t know what you are talking about”

And he continued, “we have not even spoken about your past”

And he continued, “do you know the only thing I wrote about you today?”

I looked at him perplexed thinking, how the fuck should I know? 

I shook my head

“Complex,” the single word that he breathed

For a moment I was proud

Why was I proud? 

Complexity sucks

Then

I did what I do when I’m at THE point

The point where I stop holding back and release my brain

And

I blabbed

And blabbed and cried and snotted away

About Mom leaving and Dad and my fucked childhood

You see this stuff in the movies…”heal your inner child” blah blah

But

I had a knot in my throat and I had to look away and stop

15 year old kenny was surfacing

Breath. 

I forgot to breathe for a time

I don’t know how long

But my body won the fight for air

Taking a deep, shaky breath

I had to gather myself: fight or flight…fight or flight

I stayed to fight

He saw that and expertly Good Will Hunted me

That scene where Robin Williams (Sean) repeats, “It’s not your fault”

Over and over and over until he’s in Matt Damon’s (Will Hunting) face

Will looks uneasily away as I did

My head doctor looked intently at me

And he said, “Kenny you are hurting..”

“It hurts Kenny and it’s ok”

“You are hurting, kenny”

He said it more times I think, anyway

And probably some other stuff

But I lost some situational awareness

I hate when I do that

And I broke down further again, as is that were possible

I told of my Dad crying on my shoulder and how much that hurt

When my Mom left, again

Dad was so so hurt and I couldn’t help him

What 15 year old could? 

And then this came from no-where: ”there’s no way I could do that to her”

It was pure instinct

You see, I started with the head doctor because

I needed to find out what I really wanted

With my marriage

And why I was in the mental

Rollercoaster for years and years

And I realized, I’ve stayed this long because of that moment

When a grown man, a father, cried on his 15 year old sons shoulder

I couldn’t be the one to cause that hurt to her, in my marriage

Like my Mom did to my Dad

I still don’t want to be that one but

But

I can’t stay because of a childhood trauma event