Chained

“Dissociating for ten hours

A day is not good”

“When you feel a lot of things,

It sometimes seems easier to

Numb them”

“Try explaining your emotions

As an author would”.

Fine: 

I am drowning in my grief,

My heart is slowly breaking in two–

I can feel each minuscule tear,

Moment by moment.

I am a shattered mirror

And a blanket stained with wine.

I am the embodiment of fear,

And my guilt is overwhelming.

My tears could take up an ocean,

If only I could summon them,

My eyes are dry as the

Deserts in Arizona;

And there's this scream in my throat

That is begging to be released,

A sound so broken it's pitiful,

But it's suffocating me, I can't

Breathe.

I am filled with the anger of

A thousand hornets,

Hot and heavy and intense;

The sweltering state of a day

Down south. 

My anger is silent car rides,

Red faces

And raised voices;

Of men's calloused hands

And little girl's terrified screams.

I am vulnerable,

A sheep without its wool,

Every thought pulled and picked at.

I am fragile as the 

Porcelain dish I broke

Several weeks ago:

They keep saying they'll fix it,

But they never will.

I am empty as the

Hot cocoa mug sitting on the

Table from last week.

It was full at one point,

But now it's just the shell.

Wash, rince, repeat.

I am empty as my stomach,

No more than 500 calories,

Exercise more:

The weight won't lose itself

And I become lost in an

Unimaginable field of guilt and

Wilted flowers

I am weighed down by

Bricks in my shoes,

On my back,

In my hands.

Every day adds more

And more

And more

And more.

I am as lonely as the raspberry tea

I made this morning;

I haven't taken one sip,

It's probably cold now.

I do not like raspberries.

I am falling into my pool of

Grief,

Trying to find all of the pieces

I've lost along the way;

Maybe I can find the joyous child

In me again. 

Maybe I can go back in time

And find her,

And hug her,

And tell her everything will change.

I miss her.

But I am embracing my

Numbness like an old friend;

She's been with me forever

Either way.

I can't remember what it's like to feel,

But I know a could,

I did,

Just a couple of months ago.