The cost of pain is change

"You do the same thing over and over.  What's gonna change?"

-The talking brick in the Lego Batman Movie

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

-Albert Einstein or Rita Mae Brown

"That's not a breakfast. You can't eat ice cream and cookies and call it a breakfast. That's unhealthy. You need to stop."

-My mother

Caught in the midst again

I can't pretend

She's tryna take care of me I know

But I wish she didn't know

If I cared about me the way I wish someone cared about me would I make the same mistakes?

Would I let myself eat until I'm sick just to try and numb the pain?

If I had the boyfriend I wish I did would I let him knowingly destroy himself?

Maybe I'm not ready for a relationship

If my relationship with food is unhealthy

I guess I always thought it would fix all my problems

To have someone who cares about me like nobody else

I expect the problem to go away

and when it doesn't I reject the problem anyway

Is it my fault or the past's?

The people who hurt me back then

The trauma makes it feel like they continue to do so but I know they ain't doing so

I like to assign blame and hope it makes the issue go away but even I see right through it

'Cause I keep doing the same thing, but not a thing is going differently

Stop

I tell myself I'll change the next day

Never in the moment if I can help it, ok?

It's all about making mistakes that I'll feel guilty about later

But don't expect them to cater

To your needs if you keep trying to please

Talk about appease

My mother pleads, but all I can do is continue

Because that's all I believe I can do

Freeze

Unless I choose to work the work and do the job

I'll stay this way forever

I think I'm content the way I am 'till after an episode when I hate the way I am

It takes an interesting kind of desperation to chase change

And nobody's on your side when they think you're skinny anyway

But it was never about the weight you need the help to make the pain go away

All I ever get is encouraged to eat more dessert because I should fatten up

But my protruding belly after an episode you induced says otherwise

I said I was in my "fat girl era" out of desperation

You tell me I'm not fat which I know but if I don't stop I will be

My body's not at it's preferred weight I'd say it's fat for me

All I wanna do is be happy in me

Look

It's not great to gain 15 pounds in two weeks

But what do the numbers mean?

I know where I'm comfortable but even then

It doesn't matter I'm filling myself up without nutrients

It's why I'm feeling so crappy I want it to change

So what's gonna change?

I'mma change.