The love I miss

I keep fantasizing about a love that consumes me

A love that makes me lose my mind

A love that makes me crazy

A love that makes me reckless 

A love that makes me mature

Enough to realize when it's real, when it's true

I keep dreaming of a man

A grown boy capable of good and bad

A man able to be an arc to a life, to a love

I keep longing for a life

A life I never had, with a man I have never seen

Absurd to miss something you've never had, you've never been 

I keep fighting

Stuck between what I have lost and what I have seen

Between a past and a beginning 

I keep hoping 

For a place magical, for someone I hoped to be 

I keep imagining 

In my head, a country side wedding 

2  or 3 kids instead 

I keep longing 

For a life that makes me excited

I keep missing a man that makes me lose my mind, with love just as blinded 

I look for a future

Hoping to find it buried inside of me under a pile of the past that always seems to catch me

And here I am

Longing, missing, waiting for 

What I never had and would never be