It's Happening Again

I can't tell if the burden has made me ten tons heavier

Or light enough to float up into the stars

What I do know

Is that the cavity in my chest has been filled

with a void

A black hole of some sort

Sucking me in from the inside like a vacuum

And with each inhale

I find myself sinking deeper and deeper into

myself

On the days when my vision is blurred the

most

And the bitter liquid burns a path down my

throat

I fantasize about a open casket

Surrounded by purple flowers and trickling with

tears of regret

Someone was probably calling my name from

the very back

But I could barely hear them

Either they weren't being loud enough

Or I wasn't listening hard enough

I feel prepared to say my goodbyes

But I'm not sure who I should say them to

Maybe I should try giving my thanks instead

But what should the dead be thankful for?

Thank you for helping me to lose the ability to

listen to your false hopes

Thank you for taking my sight from me so I

don't have to watch it all burn anymore

Thank you for taking the metallic taste off

of my tongue when I bit it too hard in my rage

Thank you for taking away my sense of feeling

So I don't have to feel sharp blades slicing

across raw skin

And probing fingers reaching inside of me for

something I didn't possess anymore

And thank you for stealing the scent off my

nose

So I don't have to smell the crisp air, fresh fruit,

blooming flowers, wet pavement, scented

candles or a familiar shirt of someone I once

loved

A reminder of everything pure, innocent and

wanted --

No

Needed, on this earth

Everything and anything I was not

And maybe someone will hold my hand at the

funeral

Delivering warmth that lay untouched

Probably my mother

Though definitely not my father

But I would prefer a closed casket

I always felt most comfortable behind closed

doors

It would just feel to strange to have one finally

open up for me

And everything beyond it was simply far

beyond reach

---n.n.b