a reflection

I can't see myself.

I do see myself,
But only when I'm splashing water on my face in the morning,
I see you out of nessecity,
I see you in private.

But when the camera flashes,
"Look at this!"
I look,
I have no choice but to look,
but all I see is a screen,
I'm not looking,
my eyes are purposefully blurred,
I don't want to see.
Its safer for me this way.
I'm not looking, to save myself.

I wash my hands,
make my way to the dryer,
I don't glance up.

I walk around,
fearful of reflections.
And I see them everywhere.
before I used to search for them.

I don't want reminders of who I am.

A happy moment,
ruined within seconds

I'm alone,
And I can glance up,
And anaylse,
I'm happy with me,
but only in secret.

I ignore myself in public,
I'm embarrassed of you,
I don't want people to know you exist.

I see myself for who I was,
not who I am presently.

I only look,
when no one is around,
fear of stares,
fear of judgment,
fear of my own reflection.

You are my biggest critic.