I know you're out there

I know you're out there,

how are you?

I would be lying if I said I thought of you often.

But I do think of you.

I wonder if you feel the same.

Or have you detached,

to save yourself.

I know that feeling.

I hope you're well.

I hope whatever you're doing with whoever is good.

I hope it brings you happiness.

I hope it distracts you.

I wonder if you have a plan,

or picture a future with us in it.

I've thought about contacting you.

But my imagination is cut short,

as it would come with a cost.

I'd loose what you lost, to see you.

To see you, would be seen as an act of betrayal.

I'd be exiled. 

But I still have thought about it,

if that means anything.

I know your birthday is around December time.

I'm occasionally reminded.

I was recently asked what were my plans for fathers day.

I've never been asked that.

I'm unsure what the plans could even look like.

In a way,

I don't feel the loss of your role,

as I feel like I haven't had it for the entirety of my life.

When you were here, 

it's hard to remember what it was like.

I know a lot of it wasn't great,

and maybe some good.

I do actually remember some good.

But it's hard to remember everything.

I don't know if i was ever concerned of your role as my father,

but more of your role to my mother.

I saw everything bad,

and little good.

I honestly don't remember any good.

I'm sorry for the loss of your father, 

I know it was ages ago,

but I think of it.

I have a picture from your parents,

it's on my wall.

I also have a picture from you,

it's also on my wall.

I have a screenshot of your number somewhere,

if it is still the right one.

I hope that when,

and if I eventually message you, it's the right one.

I don't know how else to find you otherwise.

I hope you don't hold any resentment,

I'm scared and have been scared for so long.