The Twelve days of Christmas
On the first day of Christmas, my true love said to me. I think that’s the police up there. So I drove them up against a pear tree.
On the second day of Christmas, forensics were at my door. Haha, I don’t live there any more.
On the third day of Christmas, a nationwide search was out for me, they would never find me, I was hiding up a pear tree.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love called to say, why are there four birds calling you, what the hell is going on.
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love texted to say, a reward of five gold rings is on your head.
On the sixth day of Christmas, I was joined by two turtle-doves, not forgetting that bloody partridge, who was really doing my box in.
On the seventh day of Christmas, the turtle-doves thanked me for the meal, with the words, the partridge would have loved this. Didn’t have the heart to tell them.
On the eighth day of Christmas, I laid into six geese with a half brick. Now I was really hating birds, would die for a fish.
On the ninth day of Christmas, I caught the turtle-doves playing around with three French hens. A hand grenade put paid to that.
On the tenth day of Christmas, I got turned on by eight maids a-milking, though this was short-lived when I was attacked by seven swans a-swimming.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, feckin drummers turned up, followed by eleven pipers, ten lords trying to leap nine ladies of the night. Feck sakes, man, do these people know who they’re dealing with?
On the twelfth day of Christmas, I awoke from a drunken dream. My god, the wife screamed, somebody’s massacred the partridge, what the hell are we going to do now? There’s only fish left to eat.
Only fish left to eat,
Oh God, thank you for my Christmas treat….
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Author:
Paul Bell (Pseudonym) (
Offline) - Published: December 13th, 2025 04:45
- Category: Humor
- Views: 16
- Users favorite of this poem: arqios, Friendship, Tristan Robert Lange
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Comments9
As a child this was one of my favorite Christmas songs due to the repetition in it. Growing older it grew old and finely I in my old age grew to hate the Christmas commercialism and sense of obligation. Now you brought all this up again after I had done so much work to suppress it, Thanks Paul and a Merry Christmas to you too (lol) A fun read my friend
Yes, it was the main song that seemed to start in November and never bloody stopped till January. lol
Really made me laughing! That one great piece!
You need a laugh at this time of year.
Puts the reader in the spirit of the season! 🙏🏻🕊️🎄
It does as you fight the crowds.
Oh, that is unassailably true!
The poem presents a humorous and chaotic twist on the traditional "The Twelve Days of Christmas." Instead of a joyful celebration, it depicts a series of absurd and darkly comedic events that escalate into a farcical situation. The central theme revolves around the absurdity and consequences of the narrator's actions, culminating in a surreal and messy holiday experience.
It was rather messy that year, though the fish was great.
Paul, this is unhinged in the best way…the escalation is relentless and ridiculous, and it never lets up. I laughed, winced, laughed some more...love it. Rock on , my friend. Merry Christmas to you too! 🌹🖤🙏🕯️🐦⬛
I'm unhinged thinking about Christmas shopping.
Funny stuff. Excellent comic relief.
You need relief at this time of year.
Good fun write Paul.
Andy
Thanks, Andy.
Methought there woz only one day of Christmas and dang me, I thought I'd managed to avoid it...
When you mentioned twelve, it is blindingly obvious that you would be in the deepest do do's.
Would have got to 13 if the police hadn't caught me.
🙃😂
a fun read - glad it was just a dream.
Merry X'mas to you and yours, and the whole 'My poetic side' team and poets...stay safe, happy and blessed
Who said it was a dream. lol. Merry Christmas to you and yours too.
omg is all i can say if it was not...hmm
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