now

i have a cat, now
he’s soft, small
fluffy and ginger
fits in my arms and
loves to be cradled
he climbs to the ceiling, from my curtains
steals bread, butter
sits on top of my face without shame
but none of it surprises me as much
as when I learned
how unkind
you really could be

i have softer lights, now
soft enough to still be on
when my head is hurting
i have records on my wall, now
so I can gaze at them adoringly
as they play

i moved my bed since you slept in it
right beside the window
and every morning I open it wide
to let the air slap me in the face
even if it’s cold
because I sleep under a weighted blanket, now
so my bed is always warm

and there is a vase of flowers, now
on my shelf
my favourite colour
given to me enthusiastically
not by you
but by another
he is coming to see me in two days
taking me to his home for a couple nights
and I plan to do nothing but rest my head
in the soft sheets of his bed

i bought the perfume I always
told you I wanted
i’ve spent two christmases without you
and both were positively drenched with love
there was a time
i thought the absence of you
was going to kill me

and it did
killed that version of me
that could not be without you
who was beside herself with grief
fear and dread

i am cleverer, now
able to distinguish between
the half-hearted love you gave me
or dangled in front of my face
and the real, kind
restoring love
that I give out abundantly

i have a cat, now
and he is purring on my chest as I write
he knows I tried with all of my might
to get better

and I
have become
much better.

23:05pm - 30/12/25