Emotions

The greenway is populated

The blue above my head washed away the grey for a spell

I smile at people

Show them my teeth

As my eyes speak love to them

I send white light to some as I pass

They deserve it, I have a sense for that

When I do it, I cry some

As if I’m lending my love and happiness to them

It’s actually exhausting

But I do it anyway

A sort of lonesome sacrifice

They can’t see my innerness

The one that is yearning

To open the curtains

And let the world see the real me

The one that is a hurt little kid

Now aware of that hurt but

Also lost in it

The one that loves so quickly

And deeply

It scares people

And that confuses me

Love is a gift

Nothing to fear

The one that has talents beyond me

Also trying to break free

The one that looses it when the trauma…

The controller

The protector

Stuck inside, lurking and waiting to save me

Or so it thinks

A springboard waits for the latch to unhinge

BOOOING!

Anger springs to action

And saves me from being scared or alone or sad or hurt

Or so it thinks

I have to get control of anger

Pet and sooth him

So the other emotions can shine through

I have to do this

For me

The one that cares more for others

Puts them first.   

All my life

Joolie told me it’s time to start putting me first

But

14 year old Kenny is in my mind swimming in quicksand

Still reaching for love affection and touch

Abandoned in the then time

Feeling all this time

So afraid of it now

54 year old Kenny is arm wrestling

With a 14 year old

The emotions are all here now

Sometimes, I want to feel

Others I want to run

And I’m afraid of the slope I am slipping

But I love it too

I’m finally living 

But my mind resurfaces and cock blocks itself

I am now sitting Tree leaning on my back

The trees, I’ve spoke to one of them, one time

I’m hoping for some lended solace from it

While trying to nourish my thoughts

I needed a break from people seeing my eyes

Dampness touches my ass and back

Cold steals warmth from me

But I don’t care

I take a picture and I see baggy, sad eyes

Tired

I put my hood over my ski capped head

It shields me from sharing my thoughts

With the passerby’s eyes

Sigh, will myself up and feel my wet ass

Hand presses into the wet grass as I grunt up

I turn to the trail and walk back into all of it

Hood still shielding me from prying eyes