Emotions

The greenway is populated with humans

Bundled up from the cold, moist air

The blue above my head washed away the grey for a spell

It left fluffy white pillows floating freely as if blotched on paper

I smile at people as the pass by

The ones that look up like I do

I show them my teeth

As my eyes speak love to them

I send white light to some of the walkers

They deserve it, I have a sense for that

When I do it, liquid touches my cheeks

My stomach and chest constrict and I feel a little drained

As if I’m lending my love and happiness to them

It’s exhausting

But I do it anyway

A sort of lonesome sacrifice

They can’t see my innerness

The one that is yearning

The one that wants to open the curtains

To let the world see the real me

The one that is a hurt little kid

Now aware of that hurt

Lost in it

The one that loves so quickly

And deeply

It scares people

That confuses me

Love is a gift

Nothing to fear

The one that has talents beyond me

Trying to break free

The one that looses it when the trauma speaks

The controller

The protector

The Angry One

Stuck inside, lurking and waiting to save me

Or so it thinks

A springboard waits for the latch to unhinge

Click Click

Anger springs to action

BOOOING!

Away with you hurt, sad, emotional, trauma bound fools

The Angry One thinks is saves me from all that

It is wrong though; has been for 53 years

I have to get control of anger

Pet and sooth him

So the other emotions can shine through

Let their voices be heard

I have to do this

For me

The one that cares more for others

Puts them first.   

All my life

Joolie told me it’s time to start putting me first

But

14 year old Kenny is in my mind swimming in quicksand

Still reaching for love affection and touch

Abandoned in the then time

Feeling it all in the now time

An anchor attached to my spine

54 year old Kenny is arm wrestling

With a discarded 14 year old 

The emotions are all here now

Sometimes, I want to feel

Others times, I want to run, they come in a wall wave of

Emotions

And I’m afraid of the slope I am slipping down

But I love it too

I’m finally living closer to me

But my mind resurfaces and scared me wins sometimes

For a little, like today

I have to find out why

So the one that can be is

I am now sitting with a tree leaning on my back

The trees, I’ve spoken to one of them, one time

It told me stories of those past, no longer near

It was a ancient sadness grown over so much time

I’m hoping for some lended solace from the tree I sit with

To be sad with me and share our regrets, in the Now Time

I am trying to nourish my thoughts, feel them all

I needed a break from people seeing my eyes

Dampness touches my ass and back as I ponder

Cold steals warmth from me

But I don’t care

I take a selfie picture and I see baggy, sad eyes

Pools of water in them, reaching for the earth

I put my hood over my ski capped head

It shields me from sharing my thoughts

With the passerby’s eyes

I will myself up and feel my wet ass as air passes my body

I turn languidly to the trail

Marching back into all of it

An audible sigh gives birth to a mini steam cloud

Hood still shielding me from prying eyes