The girl who got ill, but got better.

The girl who got ill,
 
but got better.

 
I worried every day, 
 
until this illness,
 
this illness is not a distractor,
 
or tormentor,

despite the obvious pain and suffering,
 
but a reminder of life itself.


I now worry for different reasons,

my tormented mind is put to rest.

I worry practically,

pacing myself.


My mind is background noise,

that I'm finally able to switch off, 

for so long,

I never knew how to switch it off.


I'm not greatful for illness,

but greatful for the realisation it has allowed me.


I know the cost of not being able to just be.

Illness is

self focused,

isolating,

and

fear inducing.


I am scared,

but my mind can be more calm.


Would I get better if I wasn't ill?

I'm not sure,

I'd like to think so,


But I think my brain would hold me back,

internal critic,

self doubt,

shame,

worry,

guilt,

fear.


I am not free with illness,

but I am free from a mind that does not know any better.