The Vicar of Blueberry Cross

Our village not far, quite close in fact

a place of nosey people, no tact

had a happening not long ago

only a few months or so

It concerned the Vicar, the Reverend Steed

the man who caused this awful deed

liked the bottle some folks said

but me, not one to speak ill of the dead

But this Sunday in early September

a day many and I will always remember

when the Reverend Steed disgraced his cloth

and the congregation vented their wrath

At ten o’clock, the church was full

expecting a sermon that would be rather dull

suddenly the Vicar appeared somewhat disheveled

looking as though all night he’d reveled

Bleary eyed and hair unkempt

but a real trooper, he did attempt

to climb the pulpit stairs at least

but people’s interest had increased

At the sight of their poor Vicar’s state

and wondered why he was so late

he staggered one way then the other

and insisted on calling the Verger brother

Once on top he leaned affront

dropped the Bible in the font

a few loud gasps had been uttered

Oh dam and blast, we all heard muttered

With book retrieved he looked around

the congregation made no sound

totally shocked in disbelief

as Mrs Brown waved her handkerchief

So as to inquire as to the Vicar’s health

he just glared and straightened himself

unfortunately forgetting to put on his belt

his trousers now began to slip down as he felt

For the hymn book near at hand

for our first, we will sing the Promised Land

as he lurched from side to side

his inebriated state he could not hide

Blasting out for all his worth

the words he knew, right from birth

a Vicar all his life you see

it was all he ever wanted to be

But the demon drink had taken its toll

as his words began to roll

into incoherent noises and sounds for all to hear

many shock their heads and said Oh dear

Mrs Maguir off to the side

had a grandstand view as his trousers slide

to the floor in all their glory

the sight now becoming gory

Seeing the Vicar in his underwear

she began to profusely swear

a bloody disgrace was all we heard

as he fell from the pulpit like a bird

With a crash he hit the floor

as the verger ran through the door

seeing the Vicar in his repose

knelt down and was promptly punched upon the nose

Crimson red his cassock white

the congregation stood in shock and fright

as the Vicar and the Verger punched and squealed

so neither man would dare to yield

P C O’Reily hearing the commotion

stuck his head in as was his notion

seeing the rucas taking place

he ran down the isle at great pace

Little Tommy Smith thought he’d had enough

of all this swearing and this rough stuff

put out his leg to step down from his seat

tripped O’Reilly of his feet

Jumping up he said with zest

in the name of the law, you two I arrest

so off to the police cell they did go

to cool off for an hour or so

The congregation by this time

had seen enough of this ghastly crime

filtered out into the Sun

having witnessed all this fun

The Vicar and the verger now both in the dock

the Magistrate hearing details how they ran amok

both got ninety days for this affray

and both come out this very day

The moral of this little tale

that makes us all a little pale

the demon drink can get us all

so into the trap please do not fall