I Don't Know How to Explain It

I don't know how to

Explain my depression.

I've been high three times in

My life, each

Time I wasn't even supposed to

Survive.

It was dark and cold even though

It was spring and I can only

Remember four moments across

All of them, and by all of them I

Mean I can't remember the first two

So really just the third one.

I think depression is like that.

I can't remember things anymore;

Feels like a fog and I swear I'm always

Hiding my eyes so people can't see

How dilated my pupils are.

The thing is,

Pupils also dilate when you think of

Something you love.

When I think of my depression

And all the shit I did to hurt outside

Like I did on the inside,

I swear one would assume I'm

Thinking about her.

The thing is,

Pupils also dilate when it's dark,

So they can let more light in.

I couldn't see the light.

I swear I tried, maybe not as

Hard as I could have,

But I tried and the light wasn't there.

I don't know how to

Explain my depression.

I guess I could explain it

As if it's a weighted blanket.

That is to say,

I can't sleep without mine anymore.