The Day I didn't feel her

I think she died.

When I was speaking I didn't feel her

When I told him no, I didnt feel her

It's weird,

She's always been apart of me

I don't know a world with out her

Im not sure if my brain chemistry is off or if she's dead

But I spoke freely today.

A girl I felt so intimidated by

Her confidence

Her beauty

I spoke to her

And I know she would never let me

Because I knows she's jealous that I'll find someone who doesn't allow me to feel her

She fears that one day we’ll be judge by who we really are

A nerdy black girl full of  passions no one could understand

I feel a boldness in me that my mother tried to instill in me that she never had

I feel the fierceness my dad taught me to have

And it's because she isn't here

I'm constantly looking over my back to see

If I'll see her

And I don't

But I want to  feel her.

I Wonder what I will do without her

She's the one that kept me safe

She Helps me analyze every single  interaction

From the moment I opened my eyes this morning

She's the one that tells me I need my abusive ex because no one will ever want me

She's the one that researches every single ailment and makes conclusions based off of a fear that isn't even real

I'm scared to know a world without her

How will I remain safe

How will I stay guarded from all the pain stored in me ?