trying to Feel Alive

trying toFeel Alive

 

She. Heals. Everything. 

But now she dont. 

I. Feel. Everything. 

But now I wont. 

she meant everything. 

her honey coated eyes at the rise of a dawn.

A surprise to hear lies that here lies on a thorn.

spring came her arms were wide 

enough to slip me under the skies

the skies of her eyes

that were once so close nearby

I try. 

I tried. 

Yes I tried. 

I cried. 

Tonight. 

Last night. 

Every night.

I come

i go

somehow 

i cant let go

of the past

and the last

look we had

in our eyes

we were stars

caused by attraction 

blinded by reactions 

loved by the traction

heard by the blank rooms

we were in alone all night 

the love was there so was i

I wanna go and cry

in a place i cant define

I'll be fine

They say

Ill and trapped in vines. 

My own mind. 

Wrapped around my own kind. 

In my heart. 

What a start. 

To an end. 

I would try to go full send. 

By I do try to defend. 

My lonely heart. 

She was my only part. 

She owned my heart. 

Now I have no kind left to spend.

Is this really my end. 

Now it's nothing. 

Just a furthering burning sensation of nothing. 

A fool, I was loving. 

I was living. 

I was livid. 

Now I'm withering. 

Now Im rigid. 

Now im dry. 

Now I'm cracked. 

Now I'm broken. 

Take me back. 

To a time. 

In my mind. 

Where my eyes. 

Would find. 

More than nothing. 

Now I'm hopeless. 

I'm afraid. 

That I might hope less than I wade. 

Through the deep of dirty waters. 

Of a trial of a try I had tried to succeed. 

Now it's just endless endless endings for me.

its not acceptance

not quite the denial

not the kinda fire

you’d want to go by

not the bruise that’d heal

with a day

not the smoky eyes

that would go through 

and out of your gaze

A haze. 

A fading of a light. 

Not making it out alive. 

I'm shading in a wife. 

When I should erase her from my life. 

And replace her with a life. 

Yet it will break me!

God knows where it takes me! 

Not so very holy of time! 

It's not so me to be tryin! 

To break away from pain that's made to stay and stain that brain that breaks the mains in mind in my mind I will find I do mind. 

That it's not so kind. 

That mankind. 

Is not kind. 

To me. 

So I lie. 

At the truths.

And I scream at the cries. 

That I hear in my mind. 

When it's all I can do. 

 

But there's a light. 

Blinding the back of my mind. 

It's not from her. 

So maybe I should try to find. 

It.

So i run in the maze of endless emotions i disobeyed 

i run and run for my life

maybe at the end i'll find the light

maybe love wasn’t the key

it was the lock

of emotions of the heart

of making things so very different unlike how it was

from the start

i see a glimpse

of a glittery moon

her favorite sight

i run away

i see a sparkle

of the sun she despised

and my watery eyes

tell me to go by

and see where it lies

the door is locked

but the windows open

the chains uncuffed

but the feelings so stiff

i wanna jump

but my legs are sore still

dare i look back

at the color of her skin

i wanna go but my heart is still locked in

let me out 

of this endless illusion 

the sparkle crowded the room

with the things it had to doom

I ran but it found me

in a place

so cloudy

wrapped it’s arms around me

warmer than she could be

god this is so sweet

 

A second heart beat.