What is it that I want?

nothing, i want nothing but to cry my heart out, with no reason why

no care in the world about who i am or who I'm meant to be

What i dream of most, is for rain to pour on my face as I cry

What i dream of most, is to scream on the top of my lungs, and fall onto my knee

But no, its 12 at night

The sound is quiet, too quiet, all my neighbors would hear 

Worst of all, there is no rain in sight

Worst of all, I have yet to form a single tear

Everyday i hear the words, “i love you”

Yet not many carry any meaning

Sometimes i wonder if it’s all true

Sometimes i wonder if i should be feeling

I sit in the quiet, trying to understand myself like a stranger I’ve just met

I wonder if feeling “nothing” is still a feeling after all

Somewhere inside, a whisper I can never forget

Yet somewhere inside is still waiting for an answer, or at least a single call

What is it I really want? 

Why can't it be me who doesn't have a life that feels real

Why can’t it be me who doesn't hide, alone and afraid 

Why can’t it be me who doesn't run to the bathroom after every meal

Why can’t it be me who doesn’t regret every step they've made

I wish for a place where the noise in my head grows still

Where the night doesn't feel like a test

Where I can breathe without force or will

Where there's no battlefield on my chest

I want a place where my thoughts can rest

It’s so my heart isn't tight, and silence isn’t loud

Where I’m not a stranger inside of this nest

Where I’m allowed to break without feeling drowned

I wish to sleep in a grave I created

A grave where no ones mourns my death 

One where i am forgotten and hated

One where i am, to take my final breath

But is this what I really want?