two lines of possibilities

I've always wondered the life my mother would've had 

Wondered how much I burdened my mother in such way

I can imagine the tremble in her hand 

The pacing back and forth for five minutes waiting for an answer 

The life she would've had is she looked down and saw one line 

I wonder in a another world, she only saw one

Tears of happiness and relief

Her drunk with her friends past midnight 

Her finding the love of her life in her hard years of college 

I wonder in that other world if she would be happier 

But no,  she looked down and saw two

Two lines that changed her world 

Two lines that made her miserable as she walked onward

I wonder if she's ever looked at me, for I know I look like the man she never wants to see 

The man that used her for his own entertainment 

The man who manipulated her even at time of war 

I look like this man, it's obvious I am of his blood

This man is in my veins and in my face 

I look more like this man than I do my mother

For sixteen years I’ve measured myself as her mistakes

in the way she comes home tired but still has work because of me

In the way she looks at the moon as its the only thing that brings her peace

The first four years were the loudest

College hallways that weren’t meant for strollers

strangers holding me while she learned how fall asleep

For four years I was raised by four people

For four years, I learned her in pieces

Year one, prayed for one line

Year two, worked until her hands forgot rest

Year three, learned how to hope quietly

Year four, fell in love

and I still don’t know if it was because of me or in spite of me

For sixteen years I have learned how not to need too much

How to fold myself smaller in doorways, she never planned to walk through

How to bite my tongue and provide my own needs

For sixteen years, I raised myself to be hyper independent 

Sometimes I catch my face in the mirror 

I see someone else before I see mine

I know what she sees, who she sees 

Same eyes, same nose, same smile 

She tells me she loves me with all her heart 

Same words, same line, same smile

I wonder in another world, her two possibilities 

All ruined from two lines on a test