Notification

i remember

when my name lit up your phone

like it meant something

 

like i meant something

 

you used to say i was your favorite distraction

your favorite notification

your favorite part of your day

 

and i believed you

 

not because you said it once—

but because you said it

like you felt it

 

like it lived somewhere real inside you

 

and maybe it did

 

maybe in that moment

i really was

 

you saw me

in a way that felt rare

 

like i didn’t have to filter myself

like i didn’t have to hold anything back

 

i felt seen

in the most vulnerable way

 

and now…

 

i feel invisible

in the most fragile way

 

i’m standing in the space

where that energy used to exist

 

and it’s quieter there

 

not gone—

just quieter

 

like the volume got turned down

and nobody told me when

or why

 

you’re still sweet

 

and somehow that makes it worse

 

because i can’t point to anything and say

“that’s what broke this”

 

there’s no sharp edge

no harsh words

no clear ending

 

just a slow drift

 

from depth

to surface

 

from “my Rachel”

to something softer

something less certain

 

and i hate that i miss it

 

i miss the way i made you feel

like you couldn’t wait to talk to me

 

i miss the way you made me feel

like i didn’t have to question anything

 

like i was chosen

without hesitation

 

now i hesitate

 

now i check

and recheck

and tell myself not to

 

now i feel the shift

before i can even explain it

 

and the worst part?

 

i don’t think you’re trying to hurt me

 

i think you just…

stopped meeting me where you found me

 

so i sit here wondering

 

if i was ever really your favorite anything

 

or if i just showed up

at the right time

with the right heart

 

and gave you something

you needed

 

until you didn’t

 

but here’s what i’m learning

even if it hurts to say out loud

 

I am not here

to be someone’s almost

 

I am not here

to be felt deeply

and then held lightly

 

I am not here

to shrink

just because something shifted

 

I am still

that girl

 

the one who shows up

the one who feels

the one who loves

like it’s real

 

and maybe one day

 

someone won’t just call me

their favorite notification

 

they’ll show me

every single day

that I am