My Sadness

My Sadness

It reaches beyond my mind

And scratches me and those I love

As a kid, I was happy, ignorant, and I loved and played

After Mom left, I buried me in my mind

Withdrew into a shell that I thought protected me

Instead, I know now, it incarcerated me

A mental prison of sorts, with invisible bars I could see through

In those days,

I’d sit on the oversized rocks in the mountains 

For hours, everyday

Hiding from the world

The manzanita trees and shrub oak stared at me

Wondering and silently whispering to me,

"You are just a kid and it's not your fault"

But I did not hear them

The rocks left imprints on my ass

Like my scarred memories left on my soul

I didn't know where to put it and so I buried all the pain

Hidden from my daily thoughts

But it trickled out over 34 years

A rare sickness that metastasized

Spread deep into you and our family

And ruined our relationship

I will carry this pain, regret, and sadness with me

Until the universe itself stops expanding

I hope forgiveness lives inside you, for me, and for us

Someday

I wanted you to know that

The pain and bruises

I hope you trust that they will fade away

Like dead leaves do

Those leaves can fertilize your heart and mind

If you let them

Try not to let me and my actions continue to ruin you

So you can find someone to build a white picket fence with

A lovely soul who to encircle your heart and loves you justly

Who will guard it fiercely

Someone that deserves you and your smile

And that deserves the same from you

Allows you to grow into your power

Your power!

When you are ready, let yourself grow into it

It will nourish your heart and the lives you touch

Grow new, green leaves that feed your soul

Lean into that power as if standing against hurricane wind

I will love you forever