The Straight Lesbian

You’re probably wondering why I’m phoning you.

It’s a hello call.

Not exactly.

You’re having a lesbian baby.

No, but I am single again.

Don’t tell me you dumped that man, woman.

Mary was the love of my life.

She was a brute; she would give Tarzan a run for his money.

Never mind that, do you remember when I was finding myself?

Remember it well: I was entering; you said, I think I’m a lesbian.

I know it was bad timing, but you taught me a lot.

So I did. My CV now reads, think you’re straight, I’ll change that.

How would you like to do it again?

Okay, you’re beginning to worry me now.

No, I realise you can turn people; you have a gift.

What do you want to turn into?

I want to be a straight lesbian, sort of.

I would love to help, but I’m in a relationship.

That’s okay; I can wait a week or two.

That’s quite funny; see, only lesbians could make jokes like that.

I know, I think you can re-lesbianise me.

Are you on drugs or something?

No, I liked being in bed with you; you never did anything for me, but I appreciated the effort.

Gee thanks. I’ll update my CV. Think you're straight? I’ll change that; you’ll be a lesbian tomorrow, with straight tendencies.

See, that’s what I like about you; you’re never bitter. You did say it was a battle to get me into bed; now I’m offering myself on a plate.

I appreciate that, but how does this make you a reborn lesbian?

That’s simple: I won't enjoy it with you; then I’ll realise what I’m missing.

Do you mean you’ll fake it?

Yes, but you won’t know.

I won’t.

No, I’ll dress provocatively and make all the usual noises.

I knew this would happen someday; the Twilight Zone would come along and take me away to a place where fairies would serenade me with tea and biscuits. Okay, just realised, that's an old folks home.

Okay, girl, let’s get faking.