birthday calendars and dead friends

i send a friend request

to a ghost, and sit in

silence, tears running down

my cheeks,

when, a year later,

you’re still not there

to accept it

and i bake a triple

layer birthday cake for

a girl that i loved,

a girl that has been gone

since i was nine and she

was ten

i put on my pirate garb,

do up the buttons even though

my hands shake, and try to

relive that one summer outing

we had together, double shot of

rum burning its way 

down my throat 

and i am a collection of

everyone i have ever loved,

of everyone i have ever lost,

collecting grief like stones and

shells worn smooth by the

crashing waves and the

passing of time

distance has not lessened

the ache of missing you,

there is no way to unwind

your hands from around my heart,

your fingers from between my ribs

and the grief is heavy on my tongue,

crying into the dinner i eat,

the dishes i do after,

joking about charging extra for the

salt at work, wanting nothing more

than to have you answer on the first ring,

just one more time 

and i’m not sure if there really is

a sweet hereafter, or just nothing

at the final curtain close, 

but i know you’re beside me

when i need you the most, 

which is all the time, 

which is all

the time