I want to be my old self

antra.coree

I want to love without the fear of being abandoned.

I want to laugh and smile without carrying this heaviness, wondering when it will all disappear.

I want this place they call a house to finally feel like home.

I want my heart to forget all they've done, so I can live here, without constantly wanting to run away.

I want to be that mischievous, naughty girl again.

I want to feel loved again.

 

I'm beginning to hate the person I'm becoming...

Always wanting to run away from this place they call my home.

I love them, yet I don't want to be with them.

My mind never fully trusts anyone.

I push away everyone who comes close with the intention to love and care for me,

even though, deep down, that's all I've ever wanted.

 

Why do I keep remembering the painful moments?

Why can't I hold on to the blissful ones?

Is it because I'm ungrateful?

Or

is it because sorrow leaves deeper footprints than happiness ever could?

 

I try to heal myself.

I pray to God to make me my old self again.

But I don't know how to escape this version of me.

I'm trapped in a loop—

making myself lonely, making myself sorrowful,

while desperately wishing to become the girl I once was.

Comments +

Comments4

  • sorenbarrett

    Love is a gift given with no expectation of return. One can not give what one does not possess. A sad write where insecurity is felt. Love finds it difficult to take root in insecurity. The write is raw and from the heart and in that broken ground seeds can be planted if one has the patience to let them grow. Well done

    • antra.coree

      Yes truee

      • sorenbarrett

        Bless you with patience my friend

      • Fränz Müller

        An amazing write. I feel this on so many levels.

      • Tristan Robert Lange

        Antra, what a painfully honest piece. The struggle between wanting love and protecting yourself from further harm is present throughout. I do not believe that mischievous girl is gone…she may simply be waiting to feel safe again. Beautifully expressed, my friend. 🌹🖤🙏🕯️🐦‍⬛

      • Jabberwocky

        I fear you are too deep to ever be fulfilled by what passes for love in a shallow heart.
        Deep ones are hard to find.
        I hope you find one worthy of you.

        • antra.coree

          Thanks for your kind words!



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