I want to be my old self

I want to love without the fear of being abandoned.

I want to laugh and smile without carrying this heaviness, wondering when it will all disappear.

I want this place they call a house to finally feel like home.

I want my heart to forget all they've done, so I can live here, without constantly wanting to run away.

I want to be that mischievous, naughty girl again.

I want to feel loved again.

I'm beginning to hate the person I'm becoming...

Always wanting to run away from this place they call my home.

I love them, yet I don't want to be with them.

My mind never fully trusts anyone.

I push away everyone who comes close with the intention to love and care for me,

even though, deep down, that's all I've ever wanted.

Why do I keep remembering the painful moments?

Why can't I hold on to the blissful ones?

Is it because I'm ungrateful?

Or

is it because sorrow leaves deeper footprints than happiness ever could?

I try to heal myself.

I pray to God to make me my old self again.

But I don't know how to escape this version of me.

I'm trapped in a loop—

making myself lonely, making myself sorrowful,

while desperately wishing to become the girl I once was.