the thought that stayed

It starts as nothing, barely a thought.

A little voice I wish I could drown.

It slips underneath everything good.

I tell myself I won’t listen this time.

I keep breathing, keep pretending I’m fine.

But the thought keeps knocking from inside.

I hate how one thought can become a war.

How badly I want to forget what I once did.

I bargain with myself until I’m exhausted.

I swear I’m stronger, then suddenly I’m not.

One moment of weakness feels like losing everything.

And shame comes rushing in before I can breathe.

I wish recovery meant never wanting it again.

I wish my brain would stop remembering the escape.

I wish I could hurt without feeling the blade on me

Instead, I sit with blood on my body and fucking ache.

I am still here, even when staying feels impossible.

And maybe tonight, i won't feel the pain..