How to prepare petrified chicken fillet for a soirée

After heavily insuring
the ruse stirs
my little chickadee (cue Mae West)

with pluck, the first thing you gotta do
concerns asphyxiating the future mother clucker
subsequently defeathering said bird
through a two-step process
of scalding followed by plucking,
either by hand or using
an automatic machine

and once slaughtered chickens

deboned either manually

by skilled workers

or automatically using

specialized machinery;
In modern processing plants,
the method chosen depends
on the specific cut of meat,
with breasts often being automated
and thighs or whole birds
still frequently processed
by hand to maximize yield.

Once Gallus gallus domesticus,
ready to be flayed minion

requires thirty or more minutes
said filleted chicken
(boneless, skinless
or skin-on chicken breasts)
can be cooked
using several common methods,
including pan-searing,
grilling, baking, and breaded frying
or the old standby

cooking in the microwave,
and when said portable oven
not only issues forth smoke,
(but also doth twitter
like a shutterfly bitta bing
bitta bang tumblr like
with images in the flame)
evoking a sweet fire bird smell
hinting rites of spring
subsequently causing
immediate evacuation of building
taking serious no ordinary Joe Schmoe
April fools day prankster,
sparking An all-points bulletin (APB)
broadcast message sent
to all law-enforcement officers
across the world wide web

virtually hoping to rope in and net
tell tale signs point
to a witty wordsmith,
whereby literary artist
to etch and sketch rendition
of a lone wolf profile
living social off the grid
possessing innate ability
to survive alone in the wilderness
courtesy kindling jack of all trades,
who talks and argues to himself,
and whose doppelgänger
also hashtagged as a nutty buddy

claiming alias barber of Seville,

who never leaves his unit
without a blowtorch
in a specific area to search
for a wanted tinder hearted suspect,
missing person disguised
as Big Bird notorious chicken man,
flapping re: o speedwagon
wings at the speed of sound
and/or accomplice of said firestarter
driving a big Mack vehicle of interest,
none other than the chicken mobile
first responders starkly aware
of looming warning threats
such as volley of burnt offerings
(think of hockey puck
like New York nuggets)
as warning of a planned terrorist attack
triggering the fire department
to emit shrill sounds
the louder they approach
while enroute to the towering inferno
the soundcloud of the fire engine
increasing in pitch
most likely indicative
that the former raw meat
attained the hardness
rivaling heart of diamonds.