Depressive Cocktail


It is normal for me to think of suicide

I think of death as a comfort

At first it was just a fleeting thought

But as I grew older it became a daily occurrence

Of course I tried

But it didn't work

I do anything to escape the reality that makes me feel so claustrophobic

I hate looking at pictures of me as a young child

Always smiling

A gleam in my eye

I try to go back and remember where it all went wrong

I can remember the first time I brought a blade to my skin

I was 11 years old

I am only 15

Yet, I look at life as a cage

I think that life isn't made for everyone

I wish I could go back

And pinpoint my first panic attack

Or the first time I realized that I hate myself

But when I look back often my memories blurr

They blurr to mascara stained cheeks

And blood stained wrists and thighs

Screaming I want to die

Going to therapists and school social workers

I don't call it substance abuse

Because how can something that makes me feel so good

Be portrayed as so bad

I know what abuse is 

And this is not it

Abuse doesn't make you forget the pain

My mother once asked me

How I will feel about my scars when I'm 25

And I replied only with 

"I won't be here to feel anything"

I cannot escape this life

It's hard to think about the future

When my guidance councilor asks me what I want to be when I get older

A voice in the back of my head whispers "dead"

But I just smile, and say I'm not sure yet.




  • Author: ~xx (Pseudonym) (Offline Offline)
  • Published: April 10th, 2016 15:07
  • Comment from author about the poem: Unfortunately, today is another bad day..I'm sorry maybe soon I'll feel better and write something more positive..This is just where my head's at right now.
  • Category: Unclassified
  • Views: 24
  • User favorite of this poem: mia.
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  • loveandsuicide1

    wow, this has just realised the words i couldnt write. its really good and i hope you do feel better soon

  • recoverypoetry9

    it's good well done, sorry to see you aren't feeling too good, stay strong xx

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