June 2009

A baby's breath and I am alive / how much will it cost to live?

what cold harsh realities will break the small bubble of perfection I dwell in? 

Who will come along and snatch my innocence / as though it's a 25cent prize?

Will I live? Will I die? / or am I simply destined to die on the inside 

a cold empty shell of the girl that I once was. 

The sentimental festivities roar / as I curl up, alone but with a notebook / and a pen.

They are all I need / all I need to create / all I need to be

They can pour out whatever passion / whatever pain / dwells in my heart / they can make it flow

they can never cross anything out / for that would be crossing out reality 

and I realize that I am simply their tool / used to create / when I am destroyed.

"Are you okay?" they ask / always the same question / I nod, say yes, give a smile

they take it / they believe it / they run away with it / but why can't one person stop me and say

"no you're not" / "tell me what's wrong" / I'd tell them I was broken, tangled, mangled beyond repair

I'd show them my arms / show them my heart / and if that wasn't enough to scare them away

I'd show them the black poems / the dark thoughts / the angry rhymes / the violent pictures

stories molded full of hate / i'd tell them I need help desperately / that depression owned every fiber of my being

that this wasn't enough / that I needed a salvation

silly little girls / laughing about pointless topics / no one cares except them 

and when one of them excuses herself / she seems no different from the rest

no one would guess / that she cries, she dies / she pleads, she needs

someone, something, somewhere / to get her out of here / out of this / she's drowning 

she runs to the bathroom / and locks herself in / back to these familiar walls again? 

she turns the water on full blast / so no one hears her moans of pain

and she'll go back to her superficial friends / and act like one of them / but that's all it is, an act

a fallacy in the heads of strangers / because no one can dig deep enough to see what's underneath

static from the radio / covering up the desperate sobs / echoing from the throat of a young girl

the pain she feels / it's not new / just from a different source / one she'd never known before

romance suddenly had sparked an appeal / that one boy / he's just one boy / but the boy she'd loved so long

the kiss still fresh on her lips / the words imprinted on her heart / "it was just a dare" 

a simple black dress / a clear fall night / just one chance / one chance to impress them all

to show / I'm not a little girl anymore / I feel the eyes / the stares / unprepared 

what happened to the ribbons / the bows and the curls / the lace and the pink sparkly lip gloss?

replaced by short skirts / thin straps / shiny, perfect lips / clear blue eyes / coated in a shadow of black

a simple pearl / lying on her chest

the dark of night / pitch black ideas racing in my head / can't sleep, not yet / too much to write / too many words

words to piece together / words to put my heart and soul into / do I sculpt the words / or do they sculpt me? 

we make each other / the pen, the paper, the keyboard and me / we are such good friends 

they take raw words and form them into a river / of peace and serenity, of blood and pain / depending on the day

the light stays off / for when it comes, it scares away the thoughts / that come sneaking in from the dark 

welcomed by my mind / no matter how weak or tired I truly am / midnight musings 

I'll sit in the closet / staring at nothing / the ghosts of the past come floating in / they remind me of the life I missed

the things I did not relish / for they promised to always be there / the people I didn't tell I loved 

the memories that we shared / and I wish them all away / I wish for warmth, and peace

I wish for them to leave me / or sit in quiet, at least / they limit me / they break me / piece by piece

bone by bone / then they simply float away / leaving me broken and alone

what if I only had one more chance / one more little verse and then that was it 

life was over / the pain was gone / what to say? 

I have accomplished nothing / there is nothing to leave my name on / I would simply disappear 

what would mark my existence? / I need my epiphany / I need my life 

((one song glory)) 

just another sleepy suburb morning / the neighborhood learns to start its day

the girls sit and smile / laugh flirtatiously / boys showing off in all the usual ways

the old man at the end of the street / whose children are grown and gone 

starts the lawnmower with a friendly wave / as he tends all he has left - the ground he's on

half a dozen fathers pull out / work duties calling their names / 

they smile at the sight of their children / and drive out of sun and into rain 

the mothers start a million tasks / left to them by those they love 

they power through with strength / strength seeming to come from abouve 

sure it can sound boring / the tasks seem monotonous and mundane / 

but yet at the same time each day on this street / will never be quite the same 

//

another sleepy morning in the same old neighborhood / the children already playing / boys show off to girls 

who giggle and toss their hair around / the old man starts up his tractor / all he has left after 70 hard years

is the land under his feet / but he's proud of that land / the fathers are leaving for work / 

they'll smile at their children as the sunshine fades from their days / duty calls / must provide

mothers start / working, always working / making sure everything's perfect / in such a serene grace

it's not much / it's mundane / but the sky's the limit / on these sleepy summer days 

Look at her / what do you see in her / short skirts / high heels / shiny hair / she's pretty I guess / 

but why can't you see / when we're sitting together / and you're talking about everything you've done

that I'm right for you / are you this comfortable with her? / you're not / I see the way you are 

you watch everything you do and say / just to make sure she still sees you / but you see how it is with me? 

I like who you are / naturally / without pretending / you talk about her / ways she'll notice you 

can't you see the pain in my eyes / we share secrets / we swap dreams / you belong with me 

you watch her with that adoring look / why can't you look at me that way / the way i look at you 

beauty / it's just a fallacy / a word thrown around / carelessly / with the ability to make or break young girls / to strip away every ounce of confidence / to break her to her core / or to empower her / to raise her / to fill her up

another glassy stare / is anyone truly alive / short breaths / barely alive / yet the pain makes the numbness go away / it's something raw / something real / something I need / the crimson silver draws / the sadness on the tile floor 

you toss the words around / without a thought / can't you see / the marks they make on me / permanently etched onto my heart / for no one else to see / sitting in there out of view / remembered by only me