bittersweet lies

Lost

And i found myself here again

In the hell trapped within my own skin

A prisoner of my own thoughts and stuck in the four walls of my head

Here, where i can’t scream for help nor ask in a whisper

Where everything is say is wrong

And every action is flawed

And i feel like there is no reason to run

And nowhere to run

I feel lost and trapped and alone and useless

And the worst part is i have zero reason to be upset

In many ways i am blessed

And i thank God everyday

But in many ways i still hate myself for what he did.

And i feel scared of being in this place

A place where i refuse to get out of bed because i hate myself

And i don’t feel like there is a purpose anymore

I hate being in the spot

A spot where everything feels untouchable

And my eyes are always to blurry from tears to see what is going on with me

And i don’t feel like i belong to myself anymore

My skin isn’t mine

My thoughts aren’t what i want

My laugh is forced

And my smile is plastic

And i want to be happy, dance in the sun and feel like the center of this earth

But i feel small

I feel useless because of him

Because of this

For nothing

I am overwhelmed with fears

And i am drowning in a river of tears

I am comforted by the sound of my own screams

And all those nights and all those times i begged you to stay

Are wasted time

And wasted space

Wasted memories

Wasted faces

And this feels make believe

This feeling like this will never end

This pain i carry is fake

But to me it is the only real factor in my life

It’s the only thing that reminds to not to make the same mistakes

Don’t trust a boy with gentle eyes

Don’t share your life with a boy with a charming smile

Don’t talk with your mouth closed

Don’t allow someone to try to fix you

Never again

If you need me i am here…. In this hell