sobbing

sob

noises fills the room

with soft cries from me

the memories are coming back

i start to recall the awful things he did

and i wonder why everything must be so hard

because i want to scream and release my anger before it take over me

and i can no longer remember the way he said those words but what he said still haunts me

and the sky proclaims a hidden story from those you won’t speak against the evil in this broken world

and this sadness is heavy on my eyelids and harsh on my skin because the more i cry the more i remember what happened

and what happened to me will never leave my thoughts because i can still see him standing by the sign with his bike by his side

and i can still recall the way he looked at me and smiled, before he destroyed me and played me like i was his doll not a realperson

and the thoughts i have carry lack of value but i still search for the answer to questions that were not asked in the beginning because i can not focus

focus on the light instead of the darkness

the creativity is gone and it has died along with desire

and my hope is soon gone, the words exchanged strike much fear in my eyes

and i am fearful of the unknown and why i might start to loose control and end up just like him

the person who still to even the slightest of thoughts scares me to my core and i am on my knees praying

to a God that feels like he has turned his back to me with shame, i am not sure why God has put me through this

and i try my hardest to please everyone around me but this is all i can be i am weak in the heart but try to keep my mind open

taking a step back and seeing the awful things i have done makes me ill because i have been terrible to everything and everyone and i am deeply sorry for living a regretful life and i should of listened to the warning signs and the words people told me and took their advice because maybe then i wouldn’t be crying until i can’t hear anything besides the echoing of my sobs

my eyes are blinded by my tears that hit the ground crashing down on to the floor tears are harsh,

burning my face with the acid like tears ripping the skin

blood and bruises leave for a heroic story right? not at all only a story full of silence

the fear i had of him pushed me into a corner where i was trapped

and i refuse to fall in love with someone who might hurt me and leave me even more broken

so i live in fear of many things

and i am allowing my fear to become who i am

and devour my willingness and my desire to better myself

i feel empty and lost when it comes to recovery

i want to get better but i feel stuck in these moments

when i can’t see past the storm and i struggle to understand why God has put me  through this

is there more in store for me?

is it all over or is there more?

i am getting better

i am getting stronger

but it is taking time

taking a lot of time to heal